Too Much Tequila, Too Little Sunscreen

Test your knowledge of geezer-dom with the following quiz. A high score indicates that you are well on your way to senility; while a lower score is a sure sign that you should spend more time at rest homes watching old people drool. Oh by the way, your answers don’t really matter because no one cares what old farts think anyway.

If at first you don’t succeed, you should:

a) Quit, it was a dumb idea anyway

b) Blame it on someone else

c) Have a drink

d) Lie, success is fleeting anyway

The thing I miss most from my childhood is:

a) Skinny dipping in a cool pond

b) Playing doctor with the neighbor girl

c) The serials at the Saturday matinee

d) Skipping school to hang out with my buddies

The one thing I’ll never ever do again is:

a) Order a cubic zirconium from QVC

b) Attend another Dr. Dre concert

c) Wear my red and green, plaid sans-belt golf slacks to brunch

d) Watch another showing of Austin Powers

The most disgusting person that just won’t go away is:

a) Joan Rivers

b) Al Sharpton

c) Kathy Lee Gifford

d) Al Davis

Life’s biggest mystery is:

a) What’s going on in the TV series Lost

b) Why Noah didn’t swat those two damn mosquitoes on his ark

c) How TV evangelists live with their consciences

d) Who shot JR and who cares

To me, sex is:

a) A pleasant but distant memory

b) Too much work

c) A one-handed affair

d) Something I’ve been waiting months for

The one thing you never want to hear is:

a) Your PSA results are a bit high and I want to do a biopsy

b) FORE! Duck! Damn it, duck!

c) Is that your wife in the conga line with the flamenco dancer?

d) It would be cheaper to donate your car to a worthy cause

If I had my life to live over again I’d:

a) Buy Microsoft stock at their IPO

b) Never get that tattoo

c) Wouldn’t inhale

d) Marry a rich girl much later in life

The question you never want to answer without a lot of thought:

a) Does my ass look big in these slacks?

b) Would you rather have surgery or radiation?

c) Do you want red or green chile on your burrito supreme?

d) How much can you afford per month?

The thing you never ask another geezer unless you’ve got a day to kill:

a) How was your surgery?

b) Do you have any pictures of your grandkids?

c) How are you feeling?

d) What do you think of (insert any topic)?

That’s nice but:

a) My surgery was longer, scarier, and more expensive than yours

b) Whatever your son has done, mine did it when he was only fourteen

c) My longest drive on this hole was 30 yards past yours

d) I’ve already been there and done that, twice

The sentence you’ll never hear at the Senior Center is:

a) This Cabernet Sauvignon goes well with the chateaubriand

b) My hearing seems to get better with the passing of time

c) My last Social Security check was so big that I’m afraid to cash it

d) I slept like a rock last night

Your major accomplishment in 2008 was:

a) Getting all the way through American Idol without kicking in your TV

b) Actually reading the booklet on your Medicare benefits

c) Enduring our last political campaign without moving to Mexico

d) Avoiding interment

The thing I want to focus on in 2009 is:

a) Figuring out how to qualify for a government bailout loan

b) Finding someone new who hasn’t heard all of my stories and BS yet

c) Finally saying a long, long overdo goodbye to George W.

d) Flossing more and farting less

I believed them when they said:

a) Don’t worry, it’s covered under warranty

b) You may have already won our $10,000,000 sweepstakes

c) Our serviceman will be at your house Tuesday between 7 am and 9 pm

d) You’ll only feel a slight sting

The one thing I’ll never learn:

a) How to answer a text message from my granddaughter

b) Not to eat Mexican food before a long stretch between rest stops

c) How LBJ beat Barry Goldwater in 1964

d) How to not have that third and fourth drink

©2008 by Bob Rockwell