Too Much Tequila, Too Little Sunscreen

A guy walks into a bar … These are my favorite jokes. I started collecting them to tell to my preteen grandchildren during our summer vacations at the Jersey shore. I know they’re old but Xenya, Timmy and I enjoy them anyway.

So this tuna fish sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender says, “We don’t serve food here.”

A guy walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables. The bartender says, “You can come in, but don’t start anything!”

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Gimme a beer, and a mop.”

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re quite a celebrity around here. We’ve even got a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink named Steve?”

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper-towel on his head. The bartender inquires “What’s that?” The pirate says, “Arrgh, there’s a Bounty on me head.”

A default Times New Roman font walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your type here!”

A New York Cheesecake walks into a bar and says, “Hey, You want a piece of me?”

Have you heard about the dyslexic that walked into a bra?

Three vampires walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them suspiciously, but decides to serve them anyway. “What’ll it be, boys?” The first vampire says, “Blood, give me blood.” The second vampire says, “I too wish for blood!” The third vampire says, “Give me plasma.” The Bartender smiles and says, “Got it. Two bloods and a blood-light.”

A soccer ball rolls into a bar. The bartender kicked him out.

A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says “We don’t serve your kind here.” and the mushroom says, “Why not? I’m a fungi.”

A giraffe walks into a bar and says, “The highballs are on me!”

A guy walks into a bar. When he realized all the other patrons were horses, he froze. Then he stepped out carefully and quietly. He never intended to be in a hay bar.

Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Would you like a beer?” Descartes replies, “I think not,” then disappeared.

The Seven Dwarfs walk into a bar and the bartender says, “We don’t serve minors here.”

This horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Why the long face?”

So, Thomas Edison walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Okay, I’ll serve you a beer, just don’t get any ideas.”

A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bartender here?”

An amnesiac girl comes into a bar and she asks, “Do I come here often?”

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer for me, and one for the road.”

A penguin walks into a bar asks the bartender, “Have you seen my brother?” The bartender asks, “I don’t know, what’s he look like?”

This guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head. The bartender says, “Hey, what’s that?” To which the frog replies, “I don’t know. It started as a wart on my ass.”

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, “For you, no charge!”

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. All of a sudden, he hears, “Hey, love the shoes!” The guy looks around, and decides he’s hearing things. Then he hears, “I really like your shirt.” The guy’s looks up, and listens for awhile but doesn’t hear anything. He goes back to his drink, but is interrupted by a voice saying, “Wow, those are very nice cuff links.” The guy is freaked out by now and calls the bartender over. The guy says, “What’s going on, I’ve been hearing this voice!” The bartender replies, “Oh, it’s the peanuts. They’re complementary!”

A five-dollar bill walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Get outta here! We don’t serve your type. This is a singles bar.”

A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. “What can I get you?” asked the bartender. “Anything but a Canadian Club,” replied the seal.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down for a couple of beers. A few minutes later, a lanky, bow-legged cowboy walked in and said, “Who owns the big white horse outside?” “I do,” the Lone Ranger replied. “Why?” The cowboy drawled, “You better take care of him. He’s almost dead from the heat.” The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and found Silver leaning against the hitching post, panting. They got him some water and soon Silver was looking better, but he was still panting. The Lone Ranger said, “Tonto, run around Silver as fast as you can and see if the breeze makes him feel any better.” Tonto replied, “Sure, Kemosabe,” and began running around and around Silver. The Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his beer. A few minutes later, another cowboy came into the bar and drawled, “Who owns that big white horse outside?” “I do,” the Lone Ranger said, “What’s wrong with him this time?” “Nothin’,” the cowboy said, “But you left your Injun runnin’.”

A corn stalk walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Wanna hear a good joke?” The corn stalk says, “I’m all ears!”

A potato walks into a bar and all eyes were on him.

A man stomps into a bar, obviously angry. He growls at the bartender, “Gimme a beer,” takes a slug, and shouts out, “All lawyers are assholes!” A guy at the other end of the bar retorts, “You take that back!” The angry man snarls, “Why? Are you a lawyer?” The guy replies, “No, I’m an asshole!”

So this three-legged dog hops into a bar and says, “I’m looking for the man that shot my paw.”

A pony walks into a bar and coughs, “Hey, COUGH. Gimme a bu COUGH a beer COUGH. The bartender serves him and says, “What’s with your voice?” The pony says, “Nothing, I’m just a little hoarse.”

The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A guy walks into a bar and says, “Hi, it’s me.” Everyone turned to look, but it wasn’t him.

A pirate walks into a bar, wearing a steering wheel on his crotch. The bartender asks, “What’s that on there for?” The pirate replies, “ARRRR, I don’t know, but it be driving me nuts!”

The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve time travelers here.” The time traveler walks into a bar.

And finally, this bear walks into a bar and says, “Gimme ………. a ……… beer ………. and ……….. some ……….. peanuts. To which the bartender replies, “What’s up with the big pause?”