your ballpoint pen runs out of ink in the middle of signing your name
you have to pay 25¢ for air at a service station
you get a splotch of spaghetti sauce on your new white sweater
the guy ahead of you goes 10 miles and hour under the speed limit
you find your morning newspaper lying in a puddle
some moron clanks his spoon on the sides of his cereal bowl
your inconsiderate neighbor ruins your outdoor party with his loud power mower
you can’t read your own handwriting
a smoker tosses a cigarette butt out of their car window
some bumpkin serves you ice cold red wine
you can’t get the lid off of your shampoo bottle in the shower
it rains just enough to leave spots on your windows
your new purchase is open proof
your taco shell falls apart on the first bite
you try to squeeze mustard on your bratwurst but get only vinegar
you can’t understand the clerk at a convenience store
some asshole puts you on hold to take another call
you can’t find something you just saw a minute ago
the label of your tee shirt sticks up over the collar
your shoelace breaks right before the big event
the price tag of your new purchase is on for good
your technical support person is in India
the lady ahead of you in the checkout line can’t find her checkbook
you know who did it halfway through the book
some scumbag tosses their trash out of a car window
your friend sends you an overly sweet, sickening email about friendship
you get the cart with a wobbly wheel at the supermarket
you forget to turn off your cell phone in church and Aunt Martha calls during prayer
TV commercials boom in at a much higher volume than the show you are watching
you fart and everyone knows it was you
someone drinks the last beer in your fridge
your clerk at Wal-Mart takes 20 minutes to find the price of one of your items
the guy sitting next to you hogs the armrest
your flight arrives too late to make your connection
a small glitch in electrical power screws up all of your clocks
you wander aimlessly looking for something at Home Depot
you scratch the eight ball on an otherwise magnificent shot
the guy sitting next to you on an airplane talks about himself all the way to Boston
you make a big deal out of answering your phone and it’s a wrong number
the neighbor’s dog won’t stop barking
a telemarketer calls during dinner, or anytime for that matter
some beer-swilling red neck says anything
you have to go back to the store for the thing you forgot on your first trip
you step on some asshole’s gum in the parking lot
you miss a two foot putt
only one of your market’s 32 check-stands is open
all of the other lanes on the freeway are moving but yours
a group has a TV special to give awards to themselves
a vending machine steals your money
some stranger shares their cell phone conversation with you
your lane never moves at the bank
that aggressive housefly won’t land so you can swat ‘em
it never dawned on you to put on sunscreen
people don’t pick up after their dog
you’re stranded in the bathroom without toilet paper
a dog sticks his nose in your crotch
all lanes of traffic stop cold for no apparent reason
your cute little table at the bistro wobbles
the vending machine keeps rejecting your perfectly good dollar bill
you’re on hold and hear the same recorded message over and over and over
some yoyo explains the obvious to you
your college-age waiter is condescending
the driver in the car ahead of you at the ATM takes all day
you have all of the ingredients for a recipe, except one
you cut your finger on a piece of paper
the neighbor’s cat craps in your garden
your assigned seat is the one between the fat guy and the lady with a screaming kid
the line for the restroom is really, really long
you inadvertently delete something important on your computer
your contact gets stuck in the corner of your eye
some snob implies that she’s better than you at anything
you get dog shit on your shoe
your barbecue runs out of propane halfway through cooking dinner for guests
your computer crashes while you’re in the middle of something
your camera’s batteries go dead at a big event
you receive an email chain letter
you cut your tongue licking an envelope
some know-it-all, wind bag lectures you on anything
some jerk thinks he knows why we invaded in Iraq
sweat from your brow runs into your eyes
you fall asleep and miss the end of the movie
your ice maker tosses cubes on the floor
you order the wrong dish at a restaurant but eat it anyway
you drink too much at a party and make an ass of yourself
people disagree with you on something they know nothing about
you have to get up in the middle of the night to pee
someone talks down to you
you’re not paying attention to TV and find you’re watching Dr. Phil
anybody expresses anything that they heard Rush Limbaugh say
you can’t remember your own phone number
and finally,
you see a Dick Cheney for president bumper sticker
©2009 by Bob Rockwell
Too Much Tequila, Too Little Sunscreen 