I’ve given up ranting. You people just don’t listen. And, if you do it doesn’t do any damn good. My new strategy is to champion some Amendments to our Constitution. Given our current indecisive congress, I have a better chance of getting a two-thirds vote of both houses and ratification by three-fourths of the states than I have of changing your behavior. Here are the first Amendments I intend to sponsor as soon as I find the time.
AMENDMENT XXVIII – Right to an Uninterrupted Dinner
Section 1.
No person shall be disturbed during dinner by those annoying telemarketing assholes. If such marketers want to sell you something they must first send you a letter requesting a mutually agreed upon time and date to conduct said telephone conversation.
Section 2.
No telemarketer may employ high-pressure or deceptive sales tactics when conducting telemarketing calls. The marketer herein known as the caller will immediately terminate the conversation and cease his sales spiel upon hearing the phrase “I don’t think so” once.
AMENDMENT XXIX – Right to Get There
Section 1.
All travelers, be they traveling by commercial plane, rail, or bus, have the right to a seat that is suitable in size to their stature, leg room proportionate to the length of their legs, food, if served, that is either edible or digestible, preferably both, a toilet that flushes or performs some similar function and conditioned air suitable for breathing by a human being for the very first time.
Section 2.
All mid-travel services are to be provided by respectful attendants be they either attractive young women or faggy looking guys with limp wrists. No old ladies or macho types are allowed to perform these functions. Furthermore, all service providers must have an ass diameter less that the width of the center aisle between the passenger seats. No turn-the-ass-sideways-to-get-down-the-aisle fatsos will be allowed.
AMENDMENT XXX – Right to Grow Old and Die
Section 1.
The right to live and die healthy is an inalienable right of all Americans. Therefore, all citizens will receive health care and medical treatment regardless of their income, social status, ethnicity, sexual preference, pre-existing medical conditions or bra size. Henceforth, all health care services will be provided in Canada through an agreement between our two governments. This interim measure will enable the U.S. congress to continue their efforts to further stimulate and enrich our very important and economically critical insurance and pharmaceutical industries.
Section 2.
Drugs prices will be set in the U.S. by Mexico’s Minister of Health. He has shown that he can negotiate far better prices with the pharmaceutical firms than anyone in the U.S. If Mexico’s MoH is unavailable or declines to help we will try India or New Zealand.
AMENDMENT XXXI – Right to Drive on the Interstates
Section 1.
The right to your own personal space on our Interstate Highways is a right of all Americans. The U.S. Interstate Highway system was financed with federal monies to provide safe and fast thoroughfares throughout the U.S. and not as freight lanes for huge semis driven by drugged out and fatigued truck drivers.
Section 2.
The inter-most lane on all Interstate Highways will be designated for automobile traffic only. Semis and RVs are not allowed in this lane for any reason especially when attempting to pass each other at a speed of one mile an hour faster than the vehicle being passed.
AMENDMENT XXXII – Right to Enjoy the Countryside
Section 1.
It is the right of every American to enjoy the great outdoors, both the developed and natural terrain, without having to view other people’s garbage and those ubiquitous plastic bags attached to every upright surface. Every citizen will be issued one set of fast food containers, a soda can and one beer bottle. These are irreplaceable devices and must be refilled throughout the life of each citizen. If said citizen loses or disposes of his or her soda can he or she will be SOL (shit out of luck). So there!
Section 2.
Littering will be redefined as a capital crime and be regarded as a class 26 felony wedged into our list of crimes somewhere just below murder and a notch or two above treason.
AMENDMENT XXXIII – Right to Not Feel 2nd Class
Section 1.
No American shall ever be made to feel inferior to any other person, be they American or of some other lesser nationality. The areas of unlawful bragging and condemnation are income, net worth, social standing, appearance, fitness, breast size, percent of body fat, firmness of buttocks, schools attended, etc. The one exception to this anti-snobbery amendment is that all active duty and honorably discharged U.S. Marines my feel superior to all other members, both past and present, of all armed forces personnel throughout the world especially swabbies, doggies and flyboys.
Section 2.
Snobs, self absorbed assholes and all other pretentious pricks will be branded with a permanent capital P (for Prick) on their foreheads and will be treated henceforth as lepers by the general population.
AMENDMENT XXIV – Right to Understand the Help Desk
Section 1.
It is the unalienable right of every American placing a call to the help desk of an American Corporation and upon specifying that their mother tongue is English to converse with said help desk person in English without having to ask the help desk person to repeat themselves endlessly and never really understanding their response.
Section 2.
All help desk and customer service personnel of American Corporations will successfully complete an English as a Second Language (ESL) program of their choice or attend Mrs. Grundy’s forth grade class in Muncie, Indiana for at least two semesters.
©2010 by Bob Rockwell
Too Much Tequila, Too Little Sunscreen 