Too Much Tequila, Too Little Sunscreen

Our César a movie star? Imagine that. I hope Jose didn’t tell Josefina that she was too old and wrinkled. But then again, if his reference is that babe out front then Josefina is old and wrinkled … but she’s my old and …

“I’m always looking for new male actors. In fact the whole industry is looking for young, good-looking, well-endowed men who can get it up on cue and keep it up until the final cum shot scene. I must have interviewed and screened hundreds of self-acclaimed macho studs.

I want to get Jose back on a topic that will lead to finding Josefina.

“What happened to them after you shot your scenes with our goat? Oh, his name is César, by the way, and I don’t want to hear anything about his big introduction to the adult movie business. All I want to know is where we might …”

“I’ll tell you about your friends later but first I want to give you two an informal little screen test.” He points to Chui and Boner. “I’m afraid you, sir, are a bit too old for a part in anything we have underway, or anything we’ll likely do in the future.”

“There’s no need to even think of me for a part in one of your movies. My only reason for being here is to gather information leading to …”

“Trixie, could you come in here please.” Jose says to the open door.

“Yes, Mister Green.”

“Trixie, we’ve got a couple of candidates for a significant part in Beth Does Burbank. I’d like you to meet ― ah ― what was your name, sir?”

“Chui.”

“Trixie — Chui. Chui — Trixie. Now that we’ve been formally introduced, why don’t you take Mister Chui into our screen-test room?”

Chui, the macho drug trafficker, looks helplessly at me as if I should be doing something while Trixie leads him though yet another green door off to the side of Jose’s office. Boner and I look stupidly at each other as if our staring might give us a clue as to what’s going on, when Jose’s huge flat screen TV come alive.

“Takatifu shit.”

Our first image is the now totally naked and extraordinarily beautiful — and I mean big-time beautiful — Trixie as she tries to pull Chui’s polo shirt over his head. Chui’s only form of resistance is his total paralysis. Finally she pulls his new Dockers to the floor, takes one look at his swollen little penis and she starts laughing. She turns to the camera and gives us a big thumbs-down signal while Chui stands at attention in more ways than one in the background. It looks like Chui flunked his screen test before he got a chance to recite a single line, or whatever they call the porno equivalent.

We continue to stare at the frightened image of our totally paralyzed friend when Trixie comes back into the office in a sexy, clinging robe and asks me if I will help her with Chui. I’m hoping she wants to screen test me but no such luck. The screen-test room is so brightly lit that it actually hurts your eyes but it’s a movie set after all. I squint and try to imagine what sex under these spotlights would be like. Maybe a bit bright for a romp with Josefina but with Trixie I could …

“Help Señor Bob. Help me please.” Chui’s lips are the only thing moving on his otherwise erect body.

“Chui, you’ve got to snap out of it.” He doesn’t move a muscle. I try again, “Chui, come out of it, whatever it is. Get dressed. Your screen test is over and we’ve got to get on with our lives.” I slap him gently on the face like I’m trying to revive him from a coma. That doesn’t work. I try yelling in his ear. That doesn’t work either. I sit down on the bed to think. Maybe if I tried cold water I could get …

“I’ve seen this happen before,” Trixie says. “We tried everything and the only thing that worked was …” She stops mid sentence and reaches for Chui’s little penis.

“I think I’ll go back into the office and leave you two to what ever resuscitation technique you think will work,” I say as I rise from the bed and start for the door. I’ve only taken two steps when Chui shouts, “Ahhhhh! ¡Mi Dios! ¡Mi Dios!”

“See, it works every time, but I’ve never seen it work so fast. This guy is not only the smallest gun in the West, he’s the fastest.”

I turn to see Trixie wiping her hands with a towel with her back to a fully animated and grinning Chui. So much for machismo.

Jose and Boner are still seated where I left them, only now they’re staring at a blank TV screen. Jose turns and looks at me, “Did you just see what I just saw? I saw the smallest dick I’ve ever seen and he came after two, count ‘em, two strokes. Wow, I think I can use that. I’ll have to shoot it over again.”

“Kubisha mbali bullshit.”

“I agree with Boner, I don’t want my friend Chui being the brunt of jokes about his size or lack thereof or his lack of staying power if staying power is the right term for continuing something that he never actually started. Staying implies that you …”

“Okay, Bob, It was just an idea. I thought my audience would get a kick out of seeing the exact opposite of what they expect in my films. I’d have to sprinkle this little scene carefully into the plot for one big laugh. But, if you don’t want me to, I can buy that. Now let’s get on with our screen tests. Are you ready?” he asks looking toward the ever-grinning Boner.

Before Boner responds, I cut in. “Señor Verde.” I use the name that I associate with his other business in hopes that I can steer the conversation back to his meeting with Josefina and Gustavo. “Will you please tell us where my soul mate, Josefina and her captor and alleged kidnapper, Gustavo, were headed when they left here? I believe that she may be in danger and the sooner we can …”

“Bob, Bob, I’ll tell you everything you want to know after your friend Boner’s screen test. As you can see, my screen tests are a pleasurable enough experience and in your young Mexican friend’s case an extremely brief affair.”

A grinning Chui and a laughing Trixie come through the side door ― he fully dressed in his preppy outfit and she in her oh-so-sexy robe. I’d give anything for a screen test with her. I’m trying to determine if Chui’s grin is actually bigger than Boner’s when Boner bounces up and shouts, “Basi fun kuanza.”

“Say what?” mumbles the bewildered Jose.

Boner rises and Trixie notices the bulge in his sweat pants for the first time and says, “I see you’re ready for me big boy and I do mean big boy.” I don’t have the heart to tell her that she’s going to end up like Deputy Shut-the-fuck-up if she tries to bring Boner to the final scene. His little romp with a porno queen may be Boner’s biggest accomplishment since becoming afflicted or is it blessed with his …

Boner blurts out, “Nini fuck.”

“Yeah, you lucky devil, be sure to holler if you need any help,” I mutter as if I could do anything with a woman after she’s had a session with Boner.

A few minutes later the TV screen comes to life only to show Boner at his finest and Trixie looking like she’s just won the lottery. She screams something unintelligible — something that sounds like that you’d hear from a rodeo broncobuster.

I turn from the TV as Boner begins his Mimi kuja, Mimi kuja, Mimi kuja routine. Jose is glued to the set, motionless. I wave my hand in front of his face and get no response. He’s transfixed or something or other. Chui is still staring off into space with his shit-eating grin. I don’t really want to watch the screen test even though I’d like to see more of Trixie so I wander out of the office. Screams are coming from the TV set and through the walls from the screen-test room. I’m going to go have a beer or two while Boner performs for the camera and Jose and Chui enjoy their separately induced but equally immobilizing trances.

The beer is good and cold. It’s been two hours and fifteen minutes since Boner began his screen test. If it took him two hours to put that huge grin on Deputy Shut-the-fuck-up’s face, it’ll take a bit longer with a pro like Trixie. I’ll give him four hours. Yeah, that should do it. Four hours with Boner should be enough for any woman regardless of her profession.

After nearly four hours I walk back into the offices of GDP only to hear, “Mimi kuja, Mimi kuja, Mimi kuja” through the thin walls. Oh shit, it sounds like Boner’s still at it. I should have come back sooner.

I peek into the inner office. Jose is passed out on his desk. Chui is still staring off into space and on the TV Boner is banging away at what looks like a corpse while he moans, “Mimi kuja, Mimi kuja, Mimi kuja.” I run into the screen-test room and slap Boner on the ass on one of his up strokes. He stops, turns to look at who hit him and says, “Nini fuck?”

“Boner, I think you’ve had enough. Get off of Trixie; she looks like she needs some air.”

Boner climbs off of her and stands there looking more like a child caught masturbating than a big stud, porno movie star. Trixie is in the same pose and has the same facial expression, including the thousand-yard stare that Deputy Shut-the-fuck-up had when I went looking for her keys. I’ve got to learn how to take pulses if we keep going on like this. I play with her left tit and don’t learn anything. I put my ear to her chest only to find perspiration. That’s good, dead people don’t sweat, do they? She seems warm enough when I grab her wrist but all I can feel is my own pulse pounding away. Trixie has me in the same state as Boner, only my boner is a lot less noticeable.

While Boner dresses I take one last look at Trixie before I cover her with a sheet, turn off the overly bright lamps and the camera. I drag Boner out of the room, close the door without making a sound, grab Chui and we sneak down the hall like three criminals leaving a crime scene. Take that you lecherous drug kingpin.