Too Much Tequila, Too Little Sunscreen

Yesterday was a tough day. Boner had his four hours of Mimi kuja with Trixie, Chui had a very traumatic, although short, ordeal and I met Jose, lusted after Trixie, drank some beer and I …

The ringing phone interrupts my reminiscing.

“Hello.”

“Hello Bob, this is Joe Green and am I glad I caught you.”

“You still owe me some information that you promised to give me right after those so-called screen tests. I am hesitant to have any further dealings with you.”

“Bob, Bob, I’ll tell you everything you want to know and more but first I’ve got a proposal, a very lucrative proposal, for you and your friend, Boner. I’m going to make him a star, a star even bigger than John Holmes. Remember Johnny Wadd? He was the biggest, the very biggest but he never could get it fully up. I think he was just too big to get more than a 75 percenter. Boner on the other hand is even larger than John and …”

I interrupted Jose again. “We’re not doing any porno movies. I just want to find Josefina. You promised me that you would …”

“I know, I know, but that was before I saw Boner in action. I’ll give you a thousand dollars a day and guarantee you a minimum of five days work. Not bad for a week of bonking a bunch of babes like Trixie.”

“We’ll take the five thousand but for one day’s work and that’s it.”

“Okay, five thousand, but for three days.”

“One day.”

“Bob, Bob, you drive a hard bargain, it’s a deal. How soon can you get to my office?”

“We’ll be there in 20 minutes.”

Jose is happier than I’ve ever seen him. He is dancing around humming this monotonous little ditty though a grin that rivals Boner’s.

“Bob, Bob, we’re going to make millions. Boner will be a big star and, you and I will be living la vida buena. La cucaracha, La cucaracha. Ya no puede caminar. Porque no tiene, porque …”

“Jose, calm down! We’ve got business to discuss. We can party later. Where’s Trixie, by the way?”

“Oh, she’s in the hospital, La cucaracha, La cucaracha …”

“Is it anything serious?” I asked dreading the answer.

“Nah, just a little fatigue, maybe even serious fatigue, and she might have some internal injuries but the thing that gets me is that she just stares off into space mumbling Mimi kuja, Mimi kuja. What the fuck is Mimi kuja, Mimi kuja?”

Boner’s grin broadens a bit more.

We drive over to what we are to learn is one of GDP’s many film studio homes in Chatsworth. It looks just like any of the thousands of up-scale suburban homes in Southern California.

“I’ve interrupted the shooting of Beth Does Burbank for this special day, our one and only day with the soon to be super-star, Boner,” Jose explains. I can see his name in lights beaming over Hollywood Boulevard: BONER – BONER – BONER. Anyway, I’ve gathered all of my other stars here for this one monumental day and evening of filming. Boner will shoot scenes with each of our stars individually and then we’ll cap off the night with a huge orgy scene that surely earn me a ton of AVN Awards. The AVNs are the Oscars of porn and I’ve already won twelve.”

“Whatever you say. I only ask that you don’t harm or abuse Boner in any way. I don’t want to see him in any S&M activity or any scenes with small animals or …”

“We’ll take good care of Mr. Boner and his wonderful boner. From what I saw yesterday, it’s my other actors that you should be worried about. I’ll introduce you to my troupe and describe each of their specialties. I’m sure you’ll approve.”

The driveway and street are packed with cars. We park two blocks away and trek back to the house. Jose has draped Boner in this Count Dracula-like cape that Boner holds together in the front. It does a good job of hiding his most prized asset. Jose wants to unveil Boner’s boner to everyone in some sort of opening ceremony.

The living room is filled with exotic and strange looking people along with scores of light poles and tripods with electric cords running everywhere. Chui grabs a seat next to these two faggy looking French guys while Jose, Boner and I stand prominently in center stage.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I have the distinct and immensely satisfying privilege of introducing the next great superstar in our beloved industry. A man, and I mean a real man, that will fill every orifice like they haven’t been filled since the late, great John Holmes. GDP is proud to present Boner!” he says, as he tugs on the drawstrings of Boner’s cape. The cape falls to Boner’s ankles and he is left standing in his usual, and I might add, his only pose, grinning and erect.

The crown cheers and cheers. You would have thought that Carolina had just won the Super Bowl or that peace was declared in Iraq or that man had just landed on Mars. I haven’t heard such cheering since my last flight from Da Nang touched down in California.

“Takatifu shit!”

Once the cheering subsides Jose continues, “You will all get a chance to perform with my new discovery, the next big superstar, Boner. You’ll soon learn, Boner has another unique quality. In addition to his enormous size and his constant erection, he can perform all day and night without a tune-up, a break or any of those little blue pills.”

Jose is interrupted by even more cheers. “I want to assure you all that there is enough of Boner to go around as Trixie can attest — that’s if she ever speaks again.”
One of Jose’s assistants takes Boner off for a full body makeup, while Jose and I sit at what would be the dining room table in a normal house. Jose pores over some important looking papers as if he is studying for a big exam.

“Okay I’ve got it. We’ll open with Kumi and Yuki, our two little Japanese love goddesses. They will take very good care of Boner and he will knock the tabi off of the Asian market. FYI, tabi are those funny-looking Japanese toe-socks that they all wear with their flip-flops. They worshipped John Holmes in Japan and they’ll think Boner is right up there with Godzilla.”

“That seems like a good start. Boner has always liked sushi.” I say as if Boner’s dietary preferences have anything to do with his romp with these lovelies from the land of the rising sun. Maybe I should assist him … there are two of them and …”

Jose interrupts my fantasy to continue his shooting sequence. “Next we’ll pair Boner up with one of our biggest stars, Lynda Loveface. You may have seen her in my blockbuster An Even Deeper Throat. She will do most of the acting and give Boner a chance to rest up after his sumo match. Yeah, that will work, Lynda likes being early in the program. There’s no telling where Boner’s boner has been before.”

“That will do just fine. Josefina tells me he responds well to the sort of treatment that Lynda will provide. Do you think she might need a stand-in so she can limber up on a much smaller and more manageable …”

Again Jose interrupts my fantasy with, “We’ll have Pierre and Jean my famous gay tag-team, follow Lynda. They are sooo French and sooo gay. After the fags we’ll do Shakeina for a little white on black action. Shakeina can get a little rough so you might want to sit in on that one. She’s not into kinky but she’s used to big, and I mean big, big men, and she can handle herself. Last year some white guy I had just hired got a little too kinky with Shakeina and she bit his pecker off. Blood, you ain’t seen blood like I had on my set. We left her pecker-biting scene in the film and I won an AVN for the most life-like something or other. I didn’t have the heart to tell ‘em that that was real blood and a real pecker. Heh, heh.”

“Are you sure he’ll be safe with … what was her name?”

“Shakeina.”

“Yeah, Shakeina. Will he be safe with her?”

“As long as he sticks to the basic stuff and doesn’t try something kinky, he’ll be okay. We’ll be right there just in case.”

Now he’s got me wondering what a porno actress would consider kinky. I haven’t seen a lot of porno movies but the few I’ve seen seem to cover the gamut of everything a man and woman can possibly do together unless … ah … you include foreign objects and other living…

“He’ll need a break after Shakeina,” he says aloud as he rummages through the papers on the table. “How about a transsexual or maybe a little S&M action? I know, we’ll go with Brenda, she does my Tranny action. She’s my little Filipino ladyboy and she’s as tame as a lamb.”

“That seems like a full day to me. Let’s see … you’ve got him doing the Jap twins, Lynda what’s-her-face, the two French fags, your black Amazon pecker-biter and he ends up with a little tranny action. I think that’s a fair amount of work for what you’re paying us.”

“Maybe so, but I’ve got others waiting in line for their piece of Boner. Bob, you don’t understand how important this is to them. If Boner is gonna be as big as I think he’s gonna be, then each of my stars will want his name on their resume. It’s important to them.”

I hadn’t considered the importance of Boner’s name on someone’s resume but it makes sense, sort of.

“Okay, what else ya got?”

“Let’s see I’ve got Anal-Annie but no one likes to follow her, so we’ll save her til last. I’ve got Sindy. Sindy does my S&M bondage stuff. She’s a sweetheart but she’s into being tied up and abused during sex. Does your friend Boner know any knots?”

“I don’t know and I’m pretty sure that Boner won’t want to hurt her.”

“He won’t really hurt her. I’ll have a stage hand tie her up and spank her til her ass is red then Boner can come in and do his thing. It’ll work, just wait and see. After whacking Sindy around he’ll be ready for a real treat, a chance of a lifetime, a romp with the one, the only Amazonia.”

“She sounds scary. Are you sure he’ll be safe with someone named Amazonia? I get scared just saying her name, Am-a-zon-i-a.”

“Amazonia is a pussy cat. I gave her that name after her operation because she’s so big and muscular looking, not because she’s violent or anything.”

“What operation are you referring to?”

“Her sex-change operation. She was working for me as Herman-the-Hunk until late last year.”

“Huh.”

“We’ll wrap up with Anal-Annie. She works best at the tail end of things. Heh, heh.”