Too Much Tequila, Too Little Sunscreen

“Nothin’ he didn’t want to do and he did it very well, I might add, mutha fucka.” Shakeina is quick to point out.

“He doesn’t look very good to me. Here … lay him down on the couch.”

The funeral procession marches in-step right up to sofa and lay Boner down gently and then one after another they kiss Boner’s boner as they would the cheek of a departed loved one. They are soon followed by a long line of women that reaches out through the front door. Each woman gives Boner’s boner a big kiss while some give it a loving stroke or two. One large, older woman holds up the line when her kisses, if that’s what you call ‘em, become more like oral sex than simple goodbye kisses. The ladies behind her are getting antsy when the silence is broken.

“Mimi kuja, Mimi kuja.”

“Boner,” I yell and race to his side.

He opens his eyes, raises to a sitting position and says, “Takatifu fuck.”

I grab him and hug him just as room erupts in a loud applause. Soon a chorus begins a very touching rendition of Amazing Grace. Before long everyone is singing, that is except Boner, he just sits and grins with his biggest grin yet.

“Through many dangers, toils and snares … we have already come. Twas Grace that brought us safe thus far .. .and Grace will lead us home.”

It amazing, if I can use that word, how well these women sing with those shit-eating grins on their faces. You would think that the taut skin of a grin would affect the dexterity of their facial muscles and therefore the quality of th…

“Takatifu shit.”

“I have to agree with you, Boner. Holy shit is right.”

“I once was lost but now am found, Was blind, but now, I seeeeee.”

As they finish their final eee they solemnly file out of the room.

Everyone is soon outside piling into their cars, everyone except Shakeina who stands in the center of the room in that same defiant stance I saw yesterday before she punched me. I don’t think I can handle another one of her outbursts.

“I want to thank you for sharing Boner with us even though you didn’t have a damn thing to do with it, you was out cold, you candy-assed mutha fucka. I didn’t even hit you that hard. Your Boner here did more for race relations in this town than Martin Luther King Jr. and Barack Obama combined. I can show you 40 black women that believe that this honky — this white man — is the best man they’ve ever had. Boner and his big-assed white boner did all that, mutha fucka!” With that round-about thank you she hurried to the door and her waiting car pool.

We just sat there … oh yeah … Brenda was still standing, in this really quiet room. No one knew what to say. After the reverence we had just witnessed along with that haunting song still in our heads we were speechless. Boner knew he had done a good thing and if it were even possible his grin broadened a bit more.

I am thinking, Boner had eight hours of heavy orchestrated action with eight porn stars, ten really if you count the two duos, and 40 or so large, black women in God knows where, doing things we’ll never really know what and … and we’ve got the Playboy Mansion in a few hours. I don’t know if I can handle all of …

My chain of thought is broken when Jose and this striking, Trixie-like bimbo charge through the door.

“Hola amigos,” are Jose’s first words and in Spanish. What’s up with that? I was beginning to think he had gone totally Hollywood and actually believes all of this Joe Green, movie producer bullshit.

“Buenos tarde Jose. ¿Quién es aquel pedazo del asno?” Chui eagerly responds as if he’s been waiting to have a conversation in Spanish.

Jose slips right back into English, “This is Bambi, the star of Wider, Spread Wider and she’s also my costume girl. She’s here to find something for you to wear to the Playboy Mansion tonight. Hey, what do you think of my outfit?” He says as does this exaggerated model-like turn to show off his straight-out-of-the-1940s orange, silk pachuco, zoot-suit pajamas with high-waisted, pegged bottoms and a long coat-like top with wide lapels and padded shoulders.

I try to keep a straight face. Jose looks like a cartoon character or … or possibly an eccentric time traveler just awakened after a 70 year sleep. I can’t hold back my chuckles so rather than laugh out loud I say.

“Wow, that’s quite an outfit. I’ll bet the bunnies at the Mansion have never seen anything like that. In fact they’ll probably want to rip it off of you as soon as we arrive.”

“Bueno, bueno, now let’s see what Bambi can come up for each of you. Why don’t we start with … ah … Brenda since she’s already standing? Brenda come on over here and strut your stuff.”

Brenda doesn’t strut; in fact she can barely walk. A bow-legged waddle is the best she can do as she struggles to get to the center of the room. She falls while trying to make a simple turn and yells in pain when her ass hits the floor. Jose helps her back up and stands her at attention while Bambi walks around her with a contemplative hand-on-her-chin look. She looks like she’s studying some precious artifact rather than a little tranny with a really sore ass.

“You’re a size zero with a size 40 bust aren’t you,” Bambi asks.

“Geah ind theff sote.” Brenda replies.

“Huh?”

Bambi just stands there wondering what the hell is going on for a minute or two before saying. “Take off you clothes and I’ll be right back with something I know you’re gonna like.” She dashes out the door as Brenda begins undressing.

There is one thing — there are probably many things — about porn stars, but one thing they are not, is inhibited. They will drop their pants anywhere, anytime and in front of anyone.

Brenda does more of a jumping-into-the-shower sorta strip rather than the strip tease I’m expecting and stands proudly in the tiniest of thongs. If you study her closely you can detect a little tell-tell bulge nudging out from her thong. Other than the bulge she has the exaggerated, vivacious sexpot body of a cartoon character. Her silicon enhanced breasts are so huge that the skin around her melon-like tits is stretched so tight they seem ready to burst. I’ll bet if you touched one it would be about as erotic as squeezing a cantaloupe at the supermarket. I’ll stick to natural breasts, no matter what size, they have to …

Bambi comes racing into the room with this flaming red baby doll pajamas and slips the top over Brenda’s outstretched arms. Brenda squirms and wiggles the ruffles down over her huge tits then steps into the bottoms and adjusts and squirms some more and finally drops her arms, sticks out her breast, cocks a leg and strikes a model’s pose. She went from a beat-up looking tomboy with tits to a Playboy bunny look-alike with one pair of PJs.

She struts like some magic spell has just been lifted. She opens her mouth and real words come out. “Chui honey, what do you think of this, sweetie?”

Wow, she can talk again.

“Usted es muy, muy hermosa mi amor,” Chui answers in an almost evil, lustful voice that I haven’t heard from him before.

Chui drools like a schoolboy in heat.

“Okay, you … you there with the hard-on, you’re next,” Bambi says indicating Chui.

Chui stands and walks to the center of the room without taking his eyes off of Brenda.

“Give me something other than these pinché-assed yuppie clothes that make me look like Señor Bob.”

“Yeah sure, take off that shirt and let me see those muscles and drop those khakis so I can see your ass.” Bambi asks while she circles Chui.

“Not a bad torso but no real ass to speak off and … and Brenda has a bigger bulge in her shorts than you have. That’s okay, I can work with no ass and a small dick. I do it all of the time. Hang tough and I’ll be back in a couple of minutes.”

Chui is left standing there in his jockey shorts looking like he might faint. Brenda feeling his pain runs and throws her arms around him and gives him a big kiss while she reaches down and caresses the small bulge in his shorts.

Just as Chui starts his mi Dios routine Bambi runs in with a yellow outfit on hangers draped over her back. She shoves Brenda away and hands Chui a pair of yellow, silk pajama bottoms which he obediently pulls up over the slightly larger bulge in his shorts. After Bambi finishes buttoning a traditional long sleeved pajama top she shoves a pipe into Chui gaping grin, steps back and shouts, “Tada.”

We all look at the poor Mexican impersonation of the Hugh Hefner we remember from his televised pajama parties. Chui is beaming in his new threads as Brenda struggles with his Hef-like sown together fly. If it works for Chui it works for me.

She hands Boner this huge multi-colored night shirt that drags on the ground and makes him look more like the ghost of Christmas past than a porn star but it does a pretty good job of disguising his key asset and our ticket to the Playboy Mansion.

“How about you old man?” she says, indicating me.

I walk to the center of the room and do my best pirouette and almost fall.

Bambi catches me and says. “Leave everything on; I don’t think I can handle you otherwise.”

This coming from a porn star must be the ultimate put down. I’m ready to protest and drop my pants when she hurries out to her van. I just stand there as our baby-doll clad ladyboy tries to get Chui’s bulge out of his sown-together fly while this zoot-suited pachuco cheers them on. We’re going to make a big impression on Hef and his bunnies.

“Jose! I yell. “Jose, why all of this night-wear. Are we going to a dinner or a slumber party?”

“Remember the old Playboy TV show … They were always having pajama parties. I thought it might please Hef if we all come ready to party dressed as we remember him … when he was a young stud and not the dirty old man he is today.”

“Yeah but, I, I …

“Close your eyes,” Bambi instructs me.

I close my eyes as she pulls my polo shirt over my head and fiddles with my belt buckle. Soon I can feel the coolness of a draft winding through my bare legs. I don’t hear any jeering from the crowd and that’s a good sign. She pulls and tugs me into her surprise clothing then leads me a dozen steps away and says, “Open your eyes.”

I’m standing in the entry hall in front of a full length mirror. My eyes adjust and I see I’m a donned in a gray, blanket patterned pair of Doctor Denton’s with a button back flap, enclosed feet and all. My visions of playing poolside with nude Playboy bunnies fade while I wonder how …