Too Much Tequila, Too Little Sunscreen

We all pile into this long black limo. Let’s see we’ve got a zoot-suited pachuco, the ghost of Christmas past … a … a Hef look-alike … a Filipino version of a much younger Dolly Parton and me, Doctor Denton. Oh yeah, Jose invited Bambi at the last minute and she crawled into this see-through nightie of some kind or another and joined us. Bringing babes to Hef’s house is like taking sand to the beach. What an impressive group. I’ll bet we get invited back to the mansion real soon. On the other hand I …

“My ass hurts. Can you open the moon roof so I can stand up?” Brenda asks.

The roof opens slowly and Brenda jumps up, sighs then begins dancing to the Latin music playing in the car. Chui begins trying to kiss her rapidly gyrating face-high ass while Boner grins and says like only he can say, “Takatifu shit.”

It’s then that I see that Bambi’s arm is moving rapidly underneath Boner’s nightshirt. I watch as Boner’s grin broadens and I’m ready for his mantra. Here it comes …ah …

“Mimi kuja, Mimi kuja …”

I interrupt him before he can get too far along. “Bambi why don’t give Boner a little rest before we get to the mansion. My guess is he’ll need all of his strength for tonight’s performances.”

Her grin turns into a frown as she retrieves her hand and pouts. I feel bad about Bambi not getting a romp with Boner so I say. “If things go as I’m sure they will tonight I’ll let you have a crack at Boner … ah … maybe after you and I have had a chance to get to know each other a little better.”

“I’m not sure I want Boner’s big boner that bad. But I’ll let you know if I change my mind. Just don’t hold your breath.”

A flat out refusal from a porn star, now that’s bad.

We pull up in front of the mansion and Hef himself is standing there to greet us. Jose jumps out of the limo and races over to Hef, grabs his hand and starts pumping like he’s drawing water. Jose introduces each of us saving Boner until last.

“Mr. Hefner …ah … Hef sir … er …Hef may I present Through the Green Door Production’s newest discovery, the next great adult movie star, and the biggest and hardest man to ever grace this threshold … Boner.”

Hef drops Jose’s hand and as he hugs Boner he says, “We’ve heard a lot about you. Thanks for coming this evening. The girls can’t wait to meet you.”

“Kubisha mbali bullshit.”

“Huh”

“Mr. Hefner, I’m not sure it has been discussed but Boner only speaks what we think is Swahili or possibly some other African lang …”

Hef cuts me off with, “That’s okay. If he’s half the man we’ve heard he is, he won’t need to say a word. Come on in, we’re having cocktails on the patio. I’ll introduce you to my bunnies if I can just remember some of their names.”

Hef leads Boner by the arm as the rest of us follow them through the house and out a terrace door to a really lovely patio. There are twenty or so beautiful young women clad in sexy evening gowns just milling around looking oh so good as they sip their cocktails. Our pajamas are totally out of place, what the hell were we thinking? We look like trick-or-treaters that have been invited in by the home owner to show off our costumes and to perform our tricks for their guests.

Hef leads Boner to one group of women and then to another, introducing him and beaming as if to say, “Look what I found for you.” Chui and Brenda pair off as do Jose and Bambi while I’m left standing here trying my best to look cool in my Doctor Denton’s.

I remember that the Howard Stern radio show had a ritual that Playboy Bunnies had to go through before they could plug whatever it was that they were there to plug. They had to take a simple little quiz with questions like: What country borders us to the north? Who is our Secretary of State? What ocean is on our East Coast? The girls never knew the answers to these simple questions or to anything else for that matter. They always gave stupid, humorous responses, which was the point, I guess. I want to come up with my own stupid question to see if Howard was pulling our piñatas. How about … er … which direction does the sun set out here in California? Nah, they’d probably just point … let’s see … I got it, they’re bunnies right … how about … how does the Easter Bunny lay those colored eggs at Easter? That ought to do it.

Some Chinaman in a waiter’s outfit serves me a beer while this brunette bunny in a rose colored dress that looks like she put it on with a paint brush saunters over. Her dress is slit all the way up to her ass which you get a peek of with each sultry step she takes. Wow, Hef really knows how to live.

“Hi, I’m Kim and you are?”

“I’m Bob and I’m Boner’s … er … caretaker.”

“That must be an interesting job.”

“It’s not really a job. You see I’m just a friend, a friend that has been taking care of Boner for … let’s see … a little over 14 years now. My lady friend and I live in New Mexico and we sorta adopted Boner. He lives in our guest room and pals around with César our …”

“Has he always been like this … er … hard … mm … I mean has he always been stiff or … how do you say hard-on in polite conversation?”

“Hard-on works for me. Yeah he was as stiff as a frozen hose when we met him and as best as I can tell he’s been that way ever since. My lady friend, Josefina, tried everything she could think of to relieve him of his problem but nothing seems to work. Maybe you can help him out?”

“Like I’m sure gonna try, but like there’s going to be like a long line of really hot babes all wanting to do the same thing.”

“Pardon me for asking but are you a Playboy Bunny?”

“Yes sir, I’m the October, 2004 Playmate. Did you like see my layout? I was like runner-up to Phoebe for Playmate of the year that year. My spread was like shot in Jamaica where I become like an overnight sensation and was like voted the one woman Jamaicans would most like to be stranded on like a desert island with, topping Miss Jamaica by like a vote of 3 to 1. I could have …”

“Oh that’s nice, should I call you Bunny Kim or Playmate Kim or just Kim?”

“You can call me like anything you want as long as I like get my turn with your friend, Boner.”

“Okay that’s a deal but I don’t know what Hef has planned for tonight. Maybe you and I can hook up later for some skinny dipping or whatever else you do around here.”

“I don’t like think so; I like think I’m busy later.”

“You know there’s something I’ve always wanted to ask a bunny. How does the Easter Bunny lay all of those colored eggs?”

“You like know I’ve wondered about that too. I suppose they like eat some dye or something. What do you think?”

“I think you’re probably right.”

This is going to be a long night if this is the level of conversation I can expect. I (like) guess you don’t hang out with these girls for (like) intellectual companionship. Maybe I can …

“Hi, what’s up with your PJs? Going to a costume party later or are you the early to bed type?”

I look up to see a striking blond standing next to Kim. She’s a 12 on a scale of 1 to 10. What a babe.

“Hi, I’m Bob.” I say ignoring her question about the pajamas.

“I’m Amy. I’m the June 2006 centerfold and Playmate of the year for 2006. I’m sure you saw my pictures. I was on this ah, a tropical beach in the sand for my centerfold layout, I’m sure you saw it.”

“I must have, how could I have missed it.”

“Exactly.”

“You know Amy, Kim and I were just discussing bunnies and we were both wondering how does the Easter bunny lay all of those colored eggs at Easter time. Any ideas?”

“Well you see it has to do with the time of the year and the phases of the moon. Easter is always on a Sunday following Good Friday, right? They chose that date because it is when bunnies are at the peak of their color cycle. In fact I have dreams in vivid colors during the Easter season and I just know that that is when my color cycle is in sync with the full moon.”

“I see … and now we know.”

It seems the only thing that these girls know or care anything about is themselves and they’re only comfortable when they are talking about themselves. Howard Stern has had these babes pegged all along. I’m too embarrassed to ask any more questions for fear …

“Dinner is served.”