Too Much Tequila, Too Little Sunscreen

Before Annie can answer Chui busts into the kitchen arm and arm with the ladyboy, the transvestite, or is it transsexual, then again what does transgender mean … anyway if we keep bumping into these confused people I’m going to have to figure this all out … or should I just refer to her/him/it as a tranny, like they do in this business. I also wonder what the differences between drag queens and ladyboys are. Do you think it’s a size thing where ladyboys are smaller or is it an age thing where drag queens are older … and I wonder why younger drag queens aren’t called drag princesses … I’ll bet it’s a cultural thing then again …

“Hola Señor Bob.”

“Hola Chui ah … and ah … ah what was it … ah … I’m sorry I’ve forgotten her name.”

Chui is grinning just like he was following his very brief screen test. I can only imagine how she/he put that grin on his face.

“Señor Bob, Señor Bob let me introduce you to mi nueva amiga, Señorita Brenda. She is muy, muy simpática.”

Yeah but … she’s got a penis! I want to say but I bite lip until that thought goes away.

“Chui, why don’t you and Brenda join us for a beer?”

“Brenda would like some of that good shit that Jose has scattered around the house but I’ll take a beer.”

“I think there’s a line on the coffee table if Sindy hasn’t sucked it all up.”

“Thanks Señor Bob, I’ll be back in a minute.” She says as she gives Chui a big kiss on his neck a dashes from the room.

“So Chui, it looks like you’re having a good time. It looks like you’re really getting into this adult movie business.”

“Señor Bob if we don’t find that dope that Gustavo stole from me this will be my very last good time.”

Chui’s comment brings the issue of Josefina and the missing cargo right back to me. What the hell am I doing here, hanging out with a bunch of porno stars when my sweetheart is most likely in danger? I’ve had enough of Jose’s pussyfooting around the issues; I’m going to confront him right now … no matter what he’s doing. I’ve had enough of his …

Jose is in yet another room or is it a set? I suppose it’s both. He is intently watching the action unfold under the bright lights. I stop to look at the scene before me. Pierre, Jean and Boner are all tangled up in a pile. It looks more like a wrestling match than a porno movie scene. Then I see what all of this wrestling is about. Pierre and Jean are fighting, literally fighting, over Boner’s grand pénis.

“Cut!” I yell.

Everything stops and all eyes turn to me.

“You guys are going to have to share Boner’s boner … you keep that up and someone’s going to get hurt,” Is the best I can come up with.

“Bob, you don’t understand I directed them to fight over Boner’s boner. That scene will be AVM material especially to the rough-stuff gay crowd.” Mario retorts.

“I just don’t want Boner to get hurt and having four hands fighting for a grip on his boner looks like a sure fire accident in the making. Why don’t you simulate the action like they’ve done for years in movie fight sequences?” I ask as if I know what I’m talking about.

“That’s what we were doing, asshole. You don’t think I’d let anyone get hurt on my set, do you?” Mario shouts back at me.

I wonder if that poor guy’s pecker got bit off on his set.

Jose grabs my arm and leads me out of the room.

“Good,” I say. “I was coming to see you anyway. I’ve had it with your stalling. I want to know where Josefina is and I want to know now! If you don’t tell me, Boner and I are outta here. You can take your five thousand dollars and stick it up …”

“Bob, Bob calm down. Where are you going to go if I don’t tell you where I sent Gustavo, as you call him? I can assure you that Josefina was in no danger when she left here. In fact, if I had to guess, I’d say she was completely in charge and she’s doing the leading. Gustavo is following her just like that goat of hers. She’s ten times smarter than Gustavo and he knows that. From what I could see he’d follow her anywhere.”

“Yeah but … but I can’t sit here watching blow jobs while she … she … she …”

“She’s safe. Let me assure you. Let me have Sindy or Annie calm you down or would you rather have some of this,” he says as he pulls this plastic bag full of white powder from his pocket.

“Thanks but no thanks. Now if Trixie were here you might have deal.”

“I just got a call from the hospital. Trixie died early this afternoon. They’re not really sure from what but they say she went peacefully; in fact she died with the biggest grin on her face that anyone there has ever seen.”

Oh shit, Boner is lethal! But I killed Trixie. I killed her by drinking too much beer and not slapping Boner on the ass sooner? If I’d only … if I’d only given her an hour or two with Boner rather than four hours. What was I thinking?

I wander back to the kitchen in a daze. Trixie is dead-dead-dead and I did it. I let Boner hump her to death. I can read her death certificate now … death by humping.

“Where’d you run off too?” Annie asks. “I was just about to tell you how I earned the name Anal-Annie and became the stand-out star of this very competitive specialty in this ultra competitive industry.”

Somehow after hearing the news about Trixie, Annie’s story about how she became the queen of anal sex seems totally irrelevant. I can’t tell Annie about Trixie, in fact I can’t tell anyone. What if they label Trixie’s death as suspicious? Oh shit, it will be easy to find out where she worked and that trail will lead right to Boner. What should I do? Should we get the …

“Every girl in this industry takes it up the ass — well most do anyway but few really bother to perfect their technique. Most of the girls just spread their cheeks and let the guy bang away. I on the other hand decided early on that I was going to be the active partner — a really active partner and my co-stars better hang on. Riding me is like riding a mechanical bull with a tight little asshole. I once bucked a guy …”

“Brenda, you must be accomplished in this back-door sort of sex?” I interrupt Annie not wanting to hear anymore about her bucking.

“I’d much rather have a vagina but if you’re dealt peanuts you have to learn to make peanut butter rather than get frustrated because you don’t have almonds or cashews.”

“Huh?”

I think she just tried to make a profound statement about making do with what you have, but I’m not sure.

“I once did these 47 guys in an anal marathon and won an award for the asshole of the year. I’m so proud of that.” Annie continues but no one is listening.

I’ve got to get out of here. But I remember what happened the last time I left Boner alone. I’d better see what he’s up to.

The film crew is back in the room where they shot Lynda performing her miracles only this time they have Shakeina, the muscular black lady, under the hot lights.

She’s standing there nude with her hands on her hips in a most defiant pose shouting at Mario. “I ain’t gonna do that with no honky’s dick, no matter how big it is. You can take your money and this white boy and his big-assed dick and stick them right up you fat white ass.”

Mario tries to calm her down “Shakeina, Shakeina. How many movies have we made together and … and haven’t I always looked out for you?”

“Maybe so, but I ain’t gonna suck some mutha fucka’s big white dick when he done called me a …ah …what was it now … a Mimi kuja or some such shit. Ain’t no mutha fucka gonna call me a Mimi kuja an get away with it.”

I jump into this ugly scene with, “Excuse me miss, but there seems to be a misunderstanding here. You see Boner, he only speaks Swahili and he was telling you that he was …”

“Shut the fuck up, mutha fucka. I ain’t asked you shit.”

“I was only trying to explain that Boner meant no disrespect when he said Mimi kuja. In fact Mimi kuja might be thought of as a complement, especially in your line …”

“Shut the fuck up. I don’t want to hear no more shit from you, mutha fucka. If you don’t shut the fuck up I’m gonna come over there and kick your lily white ass all over this here movie set. Mario and that horny fucking Joe is gonna have some real action to shoot when I kick your white-fucking ass.”

At least she didn’t threaten to bite off my cock. I suppose that’s the real up-side in this petty confrontation.

“Lady I was only trying to explain that Boner meant no …”

POW! She hits me squarely in the chin and I see stars for a few seconds before the lights go out.