Too Much Tequila, Too Little Sunscreen

The girls all race to the dining room as if it’s a first-come, first-served affair and they’re afraid they’re not going to get a seat or their share of the meal. Hef walks arm-in-arm with Boner while Brenda, Chui and I follow the crowd. I don’t know where Jose and Bambi are, they must of …

Now I see what all of the urgency is about. Hef takes what I assume is his regular chair at the head of the table. He’s reserved the seat to his right for Boner and the one to his left for his squeeze du jour, everyone else is on their own. I’m startled to see two beautiful bunnies fighting over the chair next to Boner. After their girly little scuffle the red-head knocks the other girl on her ass with a good hard shove, sits down and nonchalantly unfolds her napkin as if it were her seat all along. The competition for everything must be fierce around here. These babes must compete for Hef’s attention and affection like the temptresses they all seem to be. I’ll bet they have some knock down …

“Why don’t you join me here?” asks this dynamite brunette as she leans over to pull out her chair. She’s wearing a blue dress with a neck-line so low that I can see daylight out of the other end.

“This will be fine.” I say as I pull out the chair she indicated. I add, “I’m Bob, I’m … er … the guest of honor’s chaperone,” like this will elevate me in status with this really hot babe.

“Nice to meet you Bob, I’m Lori and I’ve been assigned to be your … what do you call it … you’re escort … nah, that’s not it … not your date either … ah … what the hell … you’re stuck with me tonight and I’m stuck with you.”

“How did you win such a dubious assignment?”

“See that bitch sitting next to Hef, that’s Crystal and she’s Hef’s main babe for the time being, anyway. She decides everything: what we wear, what we eat, who does what and all of that kinda stuff. Hef doesn’t really give a shit about what goes on as long as he gets his …

“So, what do your escort duties include?” I ask hoping that she might indicate something beyond being my dinner partner.

“I have to hang with you for the rest of the evening. We can shoot some pool, watch some TV, go for a swim, shit like that.”

“Before we get too far along I wonder if you’d help me with a question that has been bugging me all evening. How does the Easter bunny lay those colored eggs at Easter time?”

Lori responds without hesitation as is if she’s been ready for me to ask her this, the one question she knows the answer to.

“It all has to do with the male bunnies and their colored sperm. They inject their dyed juice into the females when they’re humping and presto a few days later you’ve got colored eggs.”

It’s going to be a very long night.

Waiters begin bringing in plates of … of cheeseburgers. Cheeseburgers … and all along I thought Hef was a gourmet with impeccable style and taste. He’s having a dinner party, okay a dinner party for a bunch of clowns in pajamas, and he serves cheeseburgers and fries.

“Lori, isn’t this an unusual entrée for a dinner party of this size.”

“No, that bitch orders them all of the time because she doesn’t eat meat; she’s a vegan. She and all of the other vegans eat these wonderful salads while the rest of us eat these fucking hamburgers. Hef doesn’t seem to care what he eats anymore as long as he has enough wine to wash it down.

Just as we’re finishing our desserts Hef stands, grabs Boner and leaves the room. Everyone jumps up as if responding to a fire alarm bell and begins filing out of the door following Hef and Boner. Lori and I join the exodus and soon find ourselves in a good-sized in-home movie theatre. Hef, Boner and Crystal all sit in the front row. The rest of us have to fend for ourselves for a decent seat. As soon as we’re seated the lights dim and the screen comes to life.

We’re soon watching The Bucket List, that movie about two terminally ill men, played by Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman, who escape from a cancer ward to head off on a road trip with their wish list of to-dos before they die. Everyone stares at this good but old movie as if they’re watching it for the first time.

I whisper into Lori’s ear “Let’s get out of here. I’ve already seen this a couple of times.”

“So have I. Hef loves it because Jack comes here all of the time and they watch it together. Follow me.” She says as she stands and sneaks out of a side door. I follow her down a hallway, make a turn and we’re at a bar.

“Great idea, what’ll you have?”

“No, let me get them. What would you like?” Lori asks as she goes around to the back of the bar.

“Just a beer.”

“Are you up for a game or something?”

I turn and see we’re in a huge game room with tables arranged in the center and video and pin ball-like games lining the walls. I’ve never been much for arcade games so I say, “How about a game of eight ball?”

“Sure, but I have to warn you that I was the eight ball champ of Gering, Nebraska way back before I came to L.A. You sure you can handle getting your ass whipped by a girl?”

“I can handle it if you can handle playing with a schmuck.”

We play game after game and she’s right, she beats me every time, but she cheats. She’s well aware that when she leans over to make a shot I can see all the way down through her dress, past those truly magnificent tits all the way to the Promised Land. I don’t know which is harder, my pecker or my cue.

I can’t take the humiliation of defeat any longer and my pecker is throbbing like a teenager’s on prom night.

“Let’s do something else, okay?”

“Sure, let’s go for a swim. The pool and grotto here are kinda special.”

We run through the house like a couple of kids and exit through some French doors onto the patio where we had drinks earlier.

She unties this little strap and her gown falls to the deck by itself while she tugs at her tiny little thong. I can’t believe how beautiful she is. She looks just like a centerfold coming to life in some sexual fantasy wet dream. Duh, she is a Playboy centerfold … what the hell would you expect, Roseanne Barr.

I squirm out of my Doctor Denton’s and tug down my boxers over my big, big for me, erection. Lori doesn’t seem to notice or pay any attention to my excited state. I guess she’s used to seeing horny older guys with their big paunches and pathetic little hard-ons.

I chase her around the pool hoping to get up close to that magnificent body. No such luck, she’s an excellent swimmer and she stays an arms length away from me no matter how hard and how fast I swim. Finally she dives underwater and I follow her down deep and through this opening off to the side of the pool. We rush up for air and voilà we’re in the Playboy Mansion’s famous grotto. I can’t believe I’m actually here and with a nude Playmate. Does it get any better than this?

Lori climbs out of the water and towel dries her hair before dropping onto this huge pile of pillows. She looks like a harem girl as she stretches and sprawls out on all of that silk. I struggle to get out of the pool with the little bit of energy I have left after chasing Lori around the pool. As I fall back onto a pile of pillows I notice that my erection is gone, completely gone. Not only has it subsided it has disappeared. The cool water of the pool has done it to me again. I wonder what Lori thinks of a guy with an innie?

Lori stands and shakes more water out of her hair as she struts over to a nook behind us. It’s really amazing how natural and uninhibited the really beautiful are with their nudity. I guess it comes easy after millions of people have seen your most intimate parts beautifully portrayed in a full-color, two-page magazine spread. She returns with two brandy snifters, sits down and hands me a drink. I quickly gulp the brandy hoping to calm my nervousness. Maybe she hasn’t noticed my innie yet. I’m so embarrassed laying here next to a vivacious, nude Playmate, and in Hef’s grotto of all places, and I can’t see my pecker. Does it get any worse than this?

“Lori do you really believe that colored Easter eggs come from colored semen?”

“No, I was just making conversation at dinner. Everybody knows that the colored eggs are dyed by elves after little white bunnies lay them. The Easter bunny just hides them.”

With that finally settled I close my eyes and dream of what might have been.