Too Much Tequila, Too Little Sunscreen

Just as I had done weeks before I sprint to the door, struggle with the lock and finally yank the damn thing open only to find our favorite coyote, Carlos, grinning in the moonlight.

“Hola Carlos.”

“Hola Señor Bob.”

“I’ve got some people I’d like you to meet Señor Bob. Only five this trip.” He says as he turns to face this little group of frightened and nervous people huddled together in my front yard. “The lousy economy in the U.S. is killing my business. If this keeps up I might have to find a real job.”

“Come on in, I’ll have Josefina whip up something to eat.”

“Oh no señor, thank you but … but we’re not hungry. Maybe a beer por favor.”

He turns and addressees the group in a rapid fire Spanish that’s too fast for me to follow. They all follow Carlos into our living room and just stand there looking scared and ready to run. I tell them to take a seat and offer to get them either water or beer. I know from past experiences that they are all too nervous to choose from any more options than two.

Josefina comes out in her robe and introduces herself to everyone and immediately heads to the kitchen. I holler, “They ain’t hungry, grab some beers and come on back in here.”

Josefina looks halfway presentable in her robe and slippers. The time she spent in Mexico must have rekindled her girlhood sense of modesty. No such luck with Boner, he comes out with his boner looking like it might actually rip a hole right through his knee-length nightshirt. His bulge looks even bigger than I remember it somehow. That can’t be unless all of that attention, if that’s what you call it, he had on our trip caused it to grow even bigger or if possible get just a tad bit harder.

I’m trying to figure all of this out when Carlos interrupts my pondering with, “You know Bob; I can’t find any Mexicans that want to come to the U.S. any more … not for any price.”

His small gang of migrants looks pretty much like those he’s led in the past except for this one little old lady dressed in little old lady clothes. She even has a little-old-lady scarf drawn tightly over her head and tied at her chin with a granny knot. It doesn’t get any more little-old-ladyish than that. She hasn’t said anything to anyone even when we were introduced. She just stares at Boner’s boner and with such intensity I’m afraid she might keel over and die of … of, what would you call it … boner obeisance … or maybe boner wonderment would be a better …

Carlos continues with his report on how bad the coyote business is, “These folks are all from Guatemala, except the old bruja here.” He says indicating the old woman, the one totally absorbed with Boner’s boner.

If I remember my Spanish, bruja means a witch or an old hag and I’ve only heard it used when describing evil witches. They don’t seem to have any fairy Godmother, good witch stories in Mexico or at least I’ve never heard any. Like most uneducated rural peoples Mexicans are very superstitious and brujas are a big part of their culture.

Carlos is on a rant. “Thank God the people in Central America haven’t got the word yet about how bad the U.S. economy really is. Mexicans, on the other hand, are coming back to Mexico from the U.S. in droves. It’s easier to find jobs at home than it is in Chicago or Denver or … or Minneapolis for God’s sake. I never thought I’d see it … reverse immigration. I’ve got to start a reverse coyote gig somewhere in California, probably East L.A., and smuggle these folks home. What do you think, Bob?”

“I don’t know Carlos, President Obama keeps telling us the economy is improving and our unemployment numbers keep coming down. I don’t know if that means less people are unemployed or not. I’ve heard the argument that new unemployment claims are down because people are taking part-time and lower paying jobs and foregoing their unemployment benefits. If that’s the case then those folks are taking the jobs that would have previously gone to your customers.”

“That’s what I think is going on.”

Josefina comes into the room with some nachos and her homemade, too-hot-to-eat salsa. I watch as one of our female guests dips a tortilla chip into Josefina’s salsa, takes a little bite and then makes a face of pure agony before spitting it out into her hand as she frantically searches for her water. It’s always fun to see our guest’s reactions to Josefina’s concoctions The old bruja is so obsessed with Boner’s boner that she misses her chance to sample Josefina’s fiery salsa.

“The Mexicans returning to Mexico all complain that they’re deathly afraid of being denied their rightful free healthcare in the U.S. Your hospital emergency rooms are clamping down on who they treat and actually demanding payment. What’s up with that? I thought they had to treat everyone that showed up in their waiting rooms regardless of their citizenship.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard that too and I’ve heard the argument that our free healthcare to illegals is one of the factors contributing to bankruptcy our healthcare system,” I say. “The problem is not their citizenship, or lack thereof, it’s their lack of any viable healthcare insurance. Just add our 12 million alleged illegal immigrants to the 50 million plus uninsured Americans and you see the real problem, no healthcare for the lower ranks of our society. My country has a healthcare system that excludes one fifth of its population.”

“I still don’t understand how the so-called greatest country in the world can have a healthcare system and more importantly a mindset that ranks below every other highly developed nation. How can you live with the fact that one fifth of your people don’t have access to healthcare? What is Obama doing about all of this?” Carlos asks as if he actually expects an intelligent answer.

Boner jumps up from his chair in the corner and spills his beer as he charges with his boner bouncing into the kitchen to join Josefina. The old bruja follows right behind him without taking her eyes off his bouncing boner. Do you think that she still has those female hormonal issues and the sexual cravings of a much younger woman … nah not at her age?

“Barack Obama set out to do two things, to somehow deal with the 50 million or so uninsured Americans and to address the fact that healthcare in the United States costs twice as much as equivalent healthcare anywhere else in the developed world.”

“Why does it cost so much?”

“For a number of reasons but basically the system is broken and probably unfixable. The insurance and pharmaceutical industries wield too much power along with the healthcare providers themselves to allow us to bring about the kind of changes required.”

“Holy shit, no wonder my countrymen are coming home as fast as they can get out of there.”

“That’s not the half of it. Our Republican majority is totally obsessed with solving the budget deficit by cutting the so-called entitlement programs like Social Security and Medicare without addressing or even discussing the two wars we can neither afford nor win. Fuck our old people we need that money to kill terrorist, unseat tyrants, referee civil wars and to shove democracy down the throats of infidels. That’s the American way.”

“Do you want to come back to Mexico with me, I can get you in?”

“I’m about ready to. I don’t want to live in or be a part of a country that has the priorities that mine has. Being the world’s military power and getting involved in every other country’s internal affairs is our highest priorities. The quality of life of our citizens takes a distant second place to exercising our military muscle around the world. I’m ready to …”

My rant is interrupted when the old bruja springs to her feet, races over to Boner, grabs his jutting boner through his nightshirt with both hands and drags him, boner first, into his bedroom and slams the door. We all look at each other and then back to Boner’s door in silence. No one has any idea what just took place or what’s going on in Boner’s bedroom. The silence is broken when the all too familiar Mimi kuja, Mimi kuja starts ringing though the house. Soon it is MIMI KUJA, MIMI KUJA followed by the loudest AHHHHHHHH any of us have ever heard. We all just stare at each other wondering what is happening when Boner comes out of his room with a frown … a frown … on his face and in his nightshirt which now hangs normally without his tell-tale bulge. What the fuck is going on? I start to stand when Boner speaks.

“Damn that was good and it was, as I was … a long time in coming.”

Before I can comprehend what just happened the old bruja appears in the bedroom doorway wearing nothing but this huge, and I mean huge, toothless grin. She looks to the ceiling as if she’s about to praise God, raises her right arm in a salute and screams, “Mimi kuja, Mimi kuja, Mimi kuja.”