Too Much Tequila, Too Little Sunscreen

The week passes quickly. I spend a lot of time drinking in my amigo’s bar plotting the revolution with my buddy, the bartender. I’ve got to learn his name. Some day he’ll be a famous revolutionary and I won’t be able to take any credit for inspiring and coaching him unless I learn his name. Note to self: Learn bartender’s name.

I’ve also gotten to know the old barman at the Blue Fox and have really enjoyed his stories of the good old days. Almost all of our recollections of the so-called good old days are just sugar coated memories of the ordinary old days of our past; the boring old past that our very selective memory has enhanced over time. But I’m willing to bet that the stories he tells are really about the good old days, like the times he must have served me and my Marine buddies back in ‘65. Now that I think about it, do I really want to listen to this wise old man tell me how stupid and crazy I was in my youth? No, I want to keep my good old embellished memories just as they are and not tone them down with reality. He has hundreds of other stories to tell and I keep thinking that I should be taping our conversations. What a book I could write. Maybe after this is all over and done I can come back and really sit down with what’s-his-name. Note to self: Learn bartender’s name.

The action at the Boner Spectacular rehearsals is actually boring. I knew that porno movies got boring after a few minutes but I didn’t realize until now that live sex is just as boring as the movie versions; it just takes a little longer to get bored. I sip my beer shooting the bull with the bartender waiting for Juicy Lucy’s one big scene. She is my heart’s delight. I know ever inch of her body and I’ve seen every one of her moves and yet I can’t describe her other than … than …

“Señor Bob, did I ever tell you about the time the mayor and his much younger wife came in and were seated ringside. Everything was going fine and they seemed to be enjoying the show until Juicy Lucy grabbed the mayor’s head and shoved it into her chocha. The mayor played like he was resisting but Juicy Lucy had a good hold on him. She pumped her hips and he rode her like a vaquero on a potro bronco. Finally his wife had had enough. She jumped up on the stage and belted Juicy Lucy knocking her and the mayor to the floor. Lucy grabbed the wife’s dress and pulled her down on top of her. As the ladies wrestled around on the stage, pulling hair, scratching and screaming the crowd thinking that this was just part of the show cheered them on. Once the mayor figured out what was going on he piled on top of the ladies and tried to pull them apart. This pissed off this Marine who was rooting for Juicy Lucy so he jumped into the pile. It looked like we might have a full-scale brawl when Don Antonio jumps on the stage with this fire hose. It only took one squirt of cold water to break up the fight but sadly the show was over for the evening. We had water everywhere, the crowd was soaked and Juicy Lucy was too wet and beat up to continue. The mayor never came back to the club. I wonder why?”

“Was she, the girl in your story, the Juicy Lucy that’s over there rehearsing with Boner?”

“No señor, you see we’ve had many Juicy Lucys. That’s the name we always give to the star of the show. That Juicy Lucy over there with Boner is really Sra. Irma Gomez, a respected mother of two.”

How respectable can you be when you let perfect strangers lick your, what did the he call it … oh yeah … your chocha in public for a living.

Nine beers later they break for the day. Thank God tomorrow night is the big show, I can’t take much more of this hanging out drinking beer watching beautiful women have sex all day. Maybe if I got a little of the action things would be different but I’ve learned that’s not going to happen. Yesterday I asked Jucy Lucy … er … I mean … Sra. Gomez to have dinner with me after rehearsal and she had some excuse … oh yeah … she had to wash her hair or was it sit with a sick aunt, I can’t remember which.

Boner’s has had sex repeatedly with a couple of hundred women, and a couple of non-women I might add, on this trip and I got to go skinny-dipping with a playmate of the month. Do you think it’s my age or could it be something else?

Boner and I have dinner at the hotel just so we could have their famous Caesar Salad. They don’t really brag about it but they invented the Caesar Salad here at this hotel way back in 1924. The story goes that the chef had run out of his usual ingredients and had to make do with what he could find so he added the table-top tossing to make up for his make-shift concoction.

Anyway, the Caesar Salad was just okay as was the lobster and the Mexican side dishes. But the biggest surprise of all was the world-class Sauvignon Blanc from a winery right here in Baja. Great Mexican wine … who would have thought.

I toss and turn worried about the big show tomorrow. I don’t know why I’m worried, Boner can put smiles on the faces of twenty or so sexy little Mexican babes without breaking a sweat. Yeah, but he has a big scene with my Juicy Lucy and her “riding a jack hammer” ass movements. That’s the image I want to fantasize about as I fall asleep with my boner firmly in hand. Ahhh …

The big show is set to begin at nine. I haven’t heard a word from Tony on how the response to his ads has been or what kind of crowd he’s expecting. Once we get through this night and this show we’re outta here, off to rescue … no that’s not the right word … how about join up with … with Josefina. Damn I miss her.

You can see the lights from miles away. Tony’s got Hollywood search lights beaming up to the clouds and circling the sky. You’d think you were at a Hollywood premiere rather than a run down old Tijuana strip joint. You’ve got to hand it to Tony he thinks big.

Our taxi has to wait in line with a half dozen other cars just to get up to the front door where we’re greeted by two red jacketed valets or barkers or whatever. I’m impressed. Boner and I sneak around to the employee entrance into the kitchen where we find all of the showgirls huddled in what looks like a pep rally. They all turn and cheer Boner when he comes through the door and then run and kiss him on both cheeks European style; European style except for the subtle little tugs they give his boner when they think no one is looking. No one kisses me let alone gives my could-be boner a tug.

I leave the cast to do their thing and head for my usual stool at the bar. I can’t get out of the kitchen … the crowd is standing-room-only and fighting for the little bit standing room left. Every table is full and then some including the overflowing balcony. I fight my way to the bar where an army of bartenders and bar-backs are frantically trying to keep up with the drink orders. It takes a while but finally my old amigo sees me and signals for me to come around to the side of bar where he’s stashed a stool for me. I pull out the stool, my stool, and sit it at the end of the bar and take my first sip of the luke-warm beer this place has always been famous for. I liked it better when I was their only customer, at least the beer was cold and the music wasn’t so damned loud. The live music tonight is about ten times louder than the boom box they used all week in rehearsals.

The music peaks then stops and a bright spot light beams down from some where above over-illuminating Tony as he jumps on stage in a lilac tuxedo … I’m not kidding … a lilac tuxedo with a ruffled lilac shirt, a lilac tie and damn if he doesn’t have lilac colored shoes.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, Señoras y Señores … the world famous Blue Fox is proud to present, for one night only, the newest and biggest, in more ways than one, sensation in the adult entertainment industry … here on our stage straight from his award winning performances in Hollywood …the one, the only … Boner.”

The crowd erupts with whistles, cat-calls, shrieks and deafening loud applause as I wonder what awards Tony is referring to.

“Sit back and watch as Boner takes on and satisfies scores of the most beautiful women in Mexico.”

The crown erupts again as Tony steps from the stage and the lights shift to this very attractive dancer gyrating to the overly loud music. She looks much better than she ever did in rehearsals. I guess it’s the makeup and her opening night costume. I can’t wait to see how Juicy Lucy looks under the bright lights.

The show goes on just like they rehearsed it but I’m blown away by the audience’s reaction. They yell and cheer at every bump and at every grind and as every article of clothing hits the floor.

The first dancer is making her way around the sides of the stage and offers a couple of customers a little face pie while the second dancer strips. As the second song ends Boner has his face squarely in the Promised Land. He looks just like any other ordinary gringo as he sits ringside wiggling his tongue in one of Mexico’s finest.

The crowd roars when the girls drag Boner on to the stage and lay him out for some serious face dancing but its nothing like the … roar … roar is the wrong word … how about … bellow, blast, bluster, boom, clamor, eruption, detonation, or rumble … okay, you get the picture … when they pull down his pants and the audience sees Boner’s boner for the first time.

After what seems like an hour the crowd finally quiets down enough so they can continue the show. I’ve never heard such a loud and raunchy group as this crowd. The entire 1st Marine Division doesn’t make this much noise. This place was always loud but what’s different now? I know it’s the women; I’ve never been in here when there were more than a handful of women patrons if any at all.

The cast all come on stage from the crowd on their cues but the two bouncers from out front have to fight off all of the other women that want to join in for a little bit of Boner. They look like the mobs that used to hound Elvis or The Beatles only these aren’t moon-struck teenagers they’re seriously horny adult women.

Finally Boner’s last lunge, his last stroke of the night, the lights dim and the bouncers escort him off to somewhere while the crowd stands for a standing ovation and begs for an encore.

I fight the receding crowd as I work my way back to the kitchen and the twenty or so grinning women.