Too Much Tequila, Too Little Sunscreen

What the fuck just happened? Did she meet with me just so she could drag Boner off to her bed, it sure looks that way. I hope Boner’s gonna be okay. If he survived a night with 40 or so horny, large black women in the Watts projects he can surely handle one skinny drug baroness even here in the most dangerous city in the world. But what about the guy or guys she regularly sleeps with? Will he or they be jealous? Will he or they go on a rampage with their automatic weapons ablaze? I’d better have some tequila.

I move over to the bar and join the still nervous bartender. His shaking is a little less noticeably now but he’s … it’s then that I see the shooter glass in his hand and the bottle of high-end Patrón at his elbow on the bar.

“How about sharing a little of that with me?”

“Si señor, coming right up.”

The bartender nervously pours me a drink and hurries back to his stool in the corner. I down the tequila in one gulp and signal for another. The bartender isn’t looking my way he’s staring at the door like he’s expecting someone. I guess I can a wait a minute or two for another tequila.

“Ready for another?”

“Only if you’ll join me. I’m buying.”

“Si señor.”

The bartender drags his stool over to the opposite side of the bar from me, sits down and pours us each a generous shot of his best tequila.

I raise my glass in a toast and say, “Here’s to Mexico … Viva México.”

“Viva México,” he whispers.

He’s still shaking so I try to calm his nerves with small talk. “Pretty slow for a Sunday night. Is business usually this slow this late? I thought Mexicans partied the night away.”

“Maybe once señor but not anymore.”

He must see me as someone having something to do with the folks that were in here earlier. There’s no way I can see to convince him otherwise and there’s really no need to try. I have four more shooters in silence and stumble to bed.

I toss and turn too worried about Boner to sleep. What are we doing here in this dangerous city messing around with these drug people? They are bad, bad news. Chui warned me, which reminds me I should call Chui tomorrow and see how he’s doing. Note to self: Call Chui.

The sun beams through my 12th floor window like a searchlight. It’s nearly 10 in the morning. I wonder what time Boner will be back if ever. I’m worried. What if … what if Boner gets carried away and Dona Esmeralda ends up like Trixie. I can see the headlines now:

Drug Baroness latest
victim in drug wars

JUAREZ ― Dona Esmeralda was
found dead in her luxury apartment
by her maid this morning. The maid
reported that the Dona had a distant
look in her wide-open eyes and the
biggest smile on her face she has ever
seen.
The police have in custody a suspect
who was reported to be having sex
with the deceased when her body was
discovered. Nothing is known about the
suspect other than he keeps repeating
Mimi kuja, Mimi kuja, Mimi kuja over
and over. Sources close to the police
report that Mimi kuja is an Islamic
chant of some kind.

I’ve got to snap out of it, this kind of thinking will only get me more depressed. I order my usual room service breakfast, three beers and a breakfast burrito.

Half way through my third beer there is a knock on my door. I peer through the peep hole and see the two tough guys from last night. They don’t look like they’re ready to bust in, maybe it’s safe. I open the door and in walks Boner beaming with his I-just-got-laid grin followed by the two thugs.

“Asubuhi njema, Bob.”

“Good morning to you, Boner. Did you sleep well? Heh, heh.”

Before Boner can answer the bigger of the two tough guys speaks for the first time. “Señor, the Dona asked me to extent to you her apologies for not coming in person and to thank you again for her night with Señor Boner. I spoke to her just as the EMTs were wheeling her to the ambulance. She had trouble speaking with that big smile on her face but she assured me that she will be fine after a little rest.”

“I’m sorry to hear about the Dona. She was going to give me some information on how I can get in touch with my friend, Josefina.”

“Si señor, I have taken care of that for you. You are to meet your friends at the Club Tampico this afternoon at three. Thank you again, señor. Adios.

He turns and shakes Boner’s hand and says. “Vía con Dios, mi amigo.”

After the bad guys have gone I order some more beer from room service and call the number Chui left with me when he bailed out on us in the Tijuana traffic.

Chui sounds happy to hear from me and agrees to meet us at the Club Tampico this afternoon.

I’d like to ask Boner about his night with the drug king-pin … or is queen-pin more appropriate … but I know what he’ll say. He’ll just say Mimi kuja, Mimi kuja. If I could figure out how to get him to talk he might even tell me about Juicy Lucy … and how did Tony put it … oh yeah … She can wiggle her ass like she’s riding a jackhammer. What a thought.

We taxi to the club a bit early and get a table in the rear. I can’t wait to see Josefina; it’s been … ah … over two weeks since I’ve seen her and over two weeks since I’ve been with a woman. I don’t suppose I’d get any sympathy from Boner. He doesn’t know the meaning of the word horny. I suppose if you have his problem and can’t ever finish one sexual experience the next one must just seem like a continuation of the first. Can you imagine a life of one big unfinished sexual encounter regardless of how may Playboy bunnies or Juicy Lucys you …

“Señor Bob is this seat taken.”

I look up to see a gleaming Chui with his arms wrapped tightly around Brenda.

I jump up and give them both a hug before we sit and order more beer. Chui tells us about things at home in Juarez and Brenda goes on and on about her new life with Chui.

I’m happy for them, I think. I can’t get the image of Brenda having a penis out of my mind but who am I to judge. If Chui would rather have a penis, and a small one at that, than a vagina that’s probably way too big for him, then more power to him. I remember how Trixie made fun of his little, what did she call …

“Hello folks.”

I look up to see Gustavo looking like he just got caught stealing the silverware.

“Hello Gustavo, long time no see.”

“Dona Esmeralda’s main guy called me and told me that you wanted to see me. So here I am. Can I sit down?
”
Chui is glaring and fuming like he’s about ready to pounce on Gustavo so I turn to Chui and ask, “Is it okay if Gustavo joins us for a few minutes. After we talk you two can settle your differences in what ever way you deem appropriate.”

“I’ll give you fifteen minutes before I slit his pinché throat. Fifteen minutes and then he dies.”

A very nervous Gustavo sits down as far away from Chui as possible and still be at our table.

“We were expecting Josefina to be with you today. In fact she’s the whole reason we’re here now. Where is she?”

“I don’t know señor and that’s the God honest truth.” Gustavo says apologetically. “She told me she was going shopping yesterday and she never came back. She lives alone in an apartment near mine but I don’t keep too close of tabs on her. I went to her apartment this morning and she’s cleared everything out, everything. If I had to guess, I’d say she went home, back to your ranch to wait for you.”

“What makes you think that?”

“Because she loves you Señor Bob. I tried my best to take her from you but she is your woman and yours alone.”

“That’s good to hear. What have you two been …”

“Mimi nimepata pee. Mimi nimepata pee.”

Boner interrupts me by telling everyone he has to pee. I always try to accompany him to public rest rooms because there’s not telling what some pervert or fag might do once they see Boner’s boner.

“If you’ll excuse us for a minute Boner has to go to the men’s room. I don’t want you slitting each other’s throats while were gone. Brenda, can you keep these guys under control?”

“Sure Bob, I’ll bite off their dicks if they get out of line.”

“Ouch!”

I’m washing my face in the sink while Boner pees in the stall. I make him use the stalls rather than urinals as a safety measure. I’ve got to get a haircut; I’m beginning to look like a cave …

Gun shots! The sound of an automatic weapon echoes through the men’s room. The rat-tat-tat of rapid fire gunfire is bouncing off every wall. I dive under the sink and I look to see that Boner is flat on the floor. He looks up and smiles to show he hasn’t been hit.

Another burst and then silence, deadly silence. We wait afraid to move. I expect some drug-crazed gunman to bust through the men’s room door any minute now. Nothing, no gunman, no noise of any kind. I’m scared but I tip-toe to the door and open it a crack and peer out into the smoke filled hallway. Nothings moving but the gentle motion of the smoke. I open the door and see that Boner is right behind me. We creep down the short hallway and stop when we get to the club room. I look to our table and see my friends on the floor covered in blood and motionless in painfully contorted positions.

I can’t move. I’m too scared. Boner walks around me and begins to inspect the room. He runs behind the bar and he looks into every one of the booths before he drops to his knees next to Chui. He looks toward me and shouts, “Alisema, Bob, maiti!”

I walk over to the table in a daze. Boner lays Chui back down gently and moves over to Brenda then looks up to me as if to say something but doesn’t. I bend and it’s easy to see that Gustavo is dead. They’re all dead.

I rise and reach down for Boner.

“They’re gone, all gone. Let’s get the hell out of here.”