Too Much Tequila, Too Little Sunscreen

We sleep in late on Sunday morning. I just assume that Boner could use the rest. Its 10 o’clock, maybe I should wake him, we’ve got a long way to go today. I knock on his door but there’s no answer. I knock again, no answer. Thoughts of Boner going home with Juicy Lucy like he did with Shakeina are racing through my head when the door opens and Boner greets me with his I-just-got-laid grin. I look over his shoulder to see a chamber maid in the same pose as I found Deputy Shut-the-fuck-up.

I race to this spread-eagle woman and immediately grab her wrist searching for a pulse. This seems to be my new job in life. I check their pulses after Boner humps them to unconsciousness. We’re in luck, her heart is beating but that’s about it. She’s frozen in the post-Boner thousand-yard stare and shit-eating grin pose that is becoming far too common. I push her maid’s cart aside removing a freshly laundered sheet to cover this poor girl’s nakedness and tell Boner to pack up; we’re outta here, hopefully before anyone misses this young lady.

There doesn’t seem to be anyone at the Blue Fox but we find the kitchen door unlocked. This is strange; no one leaves their doors unlocked in Tijuana, one of the most dangerous cities in the world. I stumble through the dark and bump into the bar only to find that the beer cooler is working just fine. I grab a couple of beers and we set off in the dark for Tony’s office. It’s over this way somewhere, down this hall, I think. Here it is. The door is slightly ajar so I push it open and reach for the switch on the wall.

The lights come on to my surprise but I’m not as surprised as Tony and Juicy Lucy are, they’re entangled on the floor in a very intimate position.

“Sorry … ah … sorry to barge in on you like this. We, ah, we didn’t ah know … the door was unlocked. Why don’t we … ah …go back to the bar and you can join us there when it’s convenient for you.” I say as I turn, close the door and race back into the dark.

That lucky son of a bitch, no wonder he never introduced me to Juicy Lucy he was saving her for himself. I pity the poor bastard that has to follow Boner. It brings new meaning to that old expression, sloppy seconds. He deserves it, that asshole.

We fumble back through the dark and find the beer cooler again. I can’t get the image of my Juicy Lucy wrapped around that scum bag out of my mind. These drug assholes are getting more pussy than Charlie Sheen. Maybe I should consider getting back into the drug business.

Three beers later the lights come on and Tony staggers into to the bar looking like he just crawled out of bed rather than up from his private floor show with my girl. Well maybe calling Juicy Lucy my girl is stretching it a bit but God knows how I’ve lusted after her.

“Gentlemen, what did I tell you? Did we have a good time last night or what? I haven’t got all of the money counted yet but I’m sure we set a new record for the old Blue Fox. Here’s two grand for Boner, he earned it and he earned it the old fashioned way. Heh, heh.” He says as he hands me a fat wad of bills.

“Thanks for the money but you promised me a contact name or a number in Juarez.” I said trying to hide the anger in my voice.

“Yeah, yeah, I called her and she’s expecting you later tonight.”

“You called Josefina?” I yell.

“No, no, not her, but she’s in touch with your precious Josefina.”

“Who in the hell are we talking about then?”

“Dona Esmeralda, she’s the big, big boss in Juarez. Here I’ve written her number down for you.” He says as he hands me a scrap of paper.

“Okay, we’re out of here. Tony, it’s been nice doing business with you.” I say as I grab his hand for a departing handshake.

“Kuwa makini, mwanamke hiyo ni tiger,” Boner says as he heads for the kitchen.

“Huh?”

“We’re on the road again. I miss Chui. He was more fun to talk to than Boner. Boner is sound asleep in the passenger seat with a grin that’s as wide as dinner plate. I wonder what he dreams about. Do you think he has sexual fantasies like the rest of us … even after his five hour orgy with twenty of Mexico’s hottest babes and oh yeah, I almost forgot, that chamber maid. Let’s see she had the blank look and the grin of somewhere over two hours with Boner but definitely less than the lethal four hours. Let’s say two to two and a half hours just to be safe. I don’t want to read about the death of a hotel maid in today’s paper. Boner’s room was registered in my name and paid for with my credit card. I can hear if now; “Well you see officer, my friend Boner has this problem; he humps women to death. Not with any malicious intent, mind you. I would call her death … ah … accidental … accidental, as a result of extreme over exertion, over exertion of her … her …”

“Ambapo ni sisi?”

“We’re about thirty miles east of San Luis. The next town will be Sonoyta.” I decided to drive east on Mexico Highway 2 rather than trying to explain what we’ve been doing in Mexico to the U. S. Immigration and Customs agents. I didn’t want to have to tell them that I’ve been drinking beer and tequila for the past week plotting a revolution with my good friend … er … what’s-his-name. Damn, I never did get his name while my friend, Boner has been humping half of the young women in …

“Vipi kuhusu pombe.”

“I’d like a beer too but there’s just a lot of nothing out here. We’ll stop at the first place we come to, so hang on.”

Driving in Mexico is tough enough but driving at night in a big Mexican city is almost impossible. We check into the Hotel Lucerna Ciudad Juarez on the Paseo Triunfo De La Republica. It’s one of the better hotels in Juarez but I think we’ve earned it. We’ve got plenty of Boner’s Mimi kuja money, as I now call it, so we might as well live large, well a little larger.

I call the number Tony gave me and introduce myself to whomever it is that answered. He runs off to talk to someone, hopefully Dona Esmeralda, and returns to say that they will meet us at the bar in our hotel at midnight tonight. That seems awfully late but I think back to my drug-pushing days and things were just getting started around midnight.

We’re so bored that we go to the bar at 9:30 just to make sure we’ll have a table big enough for whatever size of group shows up. There’s no need to worry we’re the only people in the bar. This fucking drug war is killing everything I love about Mexico and the lady I’m meeting with tonight is right in the middle of it all and … and may even be one of the causes of all of this misery.

Let’s see our first drug baron was a fag getting or giving, I’m not really sure which, blowjobs in the back seat of his car. Our second was a Hollywood sex fiend, humping porno queens and anything else he could get his pecker into. I wonder if he did Amazonia/Herman-the-Hunk both before and after her/his operation. And then our third drug king-pin was a bona fide tough guy, a tough guy in loud, tasteless clothes but on some school girl’s nostalgia trip. He pines for the good old days, the days when Juicy Lucy was queen and his Blue Fox was the place to …

“Hebu kufanya baadhi ya Tequila.”

“Nah, I think we’d better stick with beer until our meeting is over. I want don’t want to be shit-faced when we meet Dona Esmeralda.”

At midnight on the dot these two tough looking guys, right out of a film noir, come into the bar and slink around casing the joint as if they’re players in some comedy routine. They go out and come back following a very flashy, tall, super-model looking woman and two more thugs.

We both jump to our feet to greet our guest when the first two tough guys grab us and pat us down. They don’t know what to think of Boner’s boner so they jabber something in rapid fire Spanish to Esmeralda and she actually blushes. Boner’s boner made a drug baroness blush. How about that?

She raises her hand for a kiss like she’s some kind of royalty. I suppose she is down here. I kiss her hand and mumble. “Nice to meet you, I’m Bob and this is Boner he … ah … he doesn’t speak any language that …”

“I’m very pleased to meet you, and I’m extremely excited about meeting your colleague, Boner. My I sit down.”

“Takatifu fuck.”

“Huh?”

One of her stooges pulls a chair out for her and she sits, swivels away from the table and crosses her magnificent legs. I’m in love. She is probably on the long side of thirty, has raven black hair in a very fashionable do and she’s dressed to the nines. What a babe!

“So Bob, I understand you’ve been busy. Antonio told be about his big show. I’m so sorry I missed it. Maybe next time.”

The waiter interrupts us to take her drink order. She orders a champagne cocktail and her thugs all say they’re good or the Mexican equivalent.

“Yeah, you missed quite a show alright. But first I want to thank you for meeting with us tonight and If I could get right to the point … ah … about … ah … three weeks ago we, that’s Boner and my soul-mate, Josefina and I were entertaining a couple of guests from your country at our home just over the border in New Mexico when one of our guests … ah, how do you say it nicely … ah … enticed … yeah that’s it … somehow enticed my sweetheart, Josefina to accompany him on this business trip that he and my friend Chui were …”

“Yes Bob, I know the story and I also know of your adventures in Phoenix, Los Angeles and Tijuana. You’ve had quite a time. I’m afraid we have nothing as glamorous or as exciting planned for you here.”

The waiter sloshes a little of her cocktail over the side of the glass as he serves her. He is shaking. He’s scared to death. Do you think it’s her or is it her stooges that have him scared shitless? Whichever, he can’t wait to get back to the safety of his stool behind the bar. I wonder if he has a weapon back there.

“Boner, I love your name.” She says looking directly at Boner with those oh so sexy, bedroom eyes. She engages him as if he’s the only person in the room. My heart stops. What about me, I want to yell but bite my tongue instead.

“Antonio and Jose have told me so much about you that I couldn’t wait to meet you but it was the call I got from one of my colleagues, a Sra. Gomez, I believe you know her as, I’m almost too embarrassed to say, Juicy Lucy. She described your physical attributes in detail as well as the most enjoyable times she spent with you during your stay in Tijuana.”

“Takatifu fuck!”

“I hope that means that you want to fuck,” she answers quickly. “Sergio please escort Boner to my car. Bob, I’ll call you tomorrow and we’ll talk then. Thank you for the drink and buenas noches señor.” She says as she stands and dashes from the room. Her minions have to run to catch up.

She never even touched her cocktail.