We all have our “bucket lists.” The list of things we’d like to do before we kick the bucket. As I get older I find my bucket list is getting shorter and shorter, but the list of things I never want to do or ever do again is growing by the day. Here are some of the things I never want to do before I finally bite the dust, buy the farm, cash in my chips, or go belly up.
I’ll never …
ever piss on an electric fence again
deliver another Omaha World Herald at 5 a.m. in a snow storm
watch Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie again
get another tetanus shot
read War and Peace, Vanity Fair, or Don Quixote
wear a clip-on necktie again, no matter how cool I think I look
watch or read anything about Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner ever again
struggle with a “use other door” door
fire another rocket at a moving tank with a 3.5-inch Rocket Launcher
go through life with one testicle like Hitler and Napoleon
earn another merit badge
speak to anyone in India about anything
add Mariah Carey to my friends list on Facebook
have another wisdom tooth pulled
waste any more time fantasizing how I’ll spend my Powerball winnings
go to a Kanye West concert
remember the names of Cinderella’s evil stepsisters (Anastasia and Drizella)
do another 12 midnight to 4 a.m. guard-duty shift
smell an egg-salad sandwich im my high school locker again
test to see if something marked “Wet Paint” is dry yet
go skinny-dipping in another irrigation ditch
sit nervously in the principal’s office
ask Donald Trump his opinion on anything
put on another set of snow chains along the roadside ever again
get another serious sunburn
raise my hand when I have to pee
fire a flame thrower into the wind again
fret while waiting for test results to come back
quit wondering what happened to my baseball card collection
mess with chiggers, skunks, or poison ivy ever again
listen to or watch another radio or TV evangelist
carry a 6-inch slide rule in my pocket protector again
or ever wear another pocket protector
trim my lawn with a old squeeze-type, hand edger
eat C-rations packed in 1943 again
patch another bicycle tube with a hot patch
apply for membership in the David Hasselhoff fan club (yep, he has one)
solve another quadratic equation
wait in line for tickets to see Wayne Newton
snore through another Republican presidential debate
smoke another Lucky Strike or Philip Morris ever again
forget to take my “gym clothes” home to be washed again
drink all that awful stuff in preparation for another colonoscopy
burn my lips on an aluminum canteen cup again
eat days-old oysters
care what Dr. Phil thinks about anything
use pomade to keep my ducktail slicked down
answer the question – “Do these pants make my butt look big?”
listen to another Barry Manilow song
call a number scratched on a men’s room wall
utter, “Hold my beer, and watch this,” to anyone ever again
loose the key to my clamp-on roller skates again
sit through another minute of the Ice Capades
peel or lay rubber on purpose again
board a small toiletless commuter plane after drinking five beers
read another issue of The Watchtower
wave a “Maggie’s drawers” on a rifle range ever again
figure out how to tie a Killick Hitch
remember why I ever wanted to be Keeping Up with the Kardashians
catch my foreskin in a zipper ever again
Too Much Tequila, Too Little Sunscreen 