Too Much Tequila, Too Little Sunscreen

The other night while I was flicking through the Netflix offerings, I realized that I didn’t know any of the stand-up comedians performing today. So, I sat through a host of marginally funny and vulgar performances before I turned off my TV totally disappointed. I learned that Amy Schumer’s female parts don’t smell very good, Margaret Cho has always been a slut, and Louis C.K. likes to jerk off to an audience. How about that for a night of comedy?

Where are the really funny people I’ve always enjoyed? Dead, that’s where. Jacob Rodney Cohen better known as Rodney Dangerfield died in 2004 and left some big shoes that might never be filled.

Who cannot be entertained by Rodney’s long list of self-deprecating one-liners?

• My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
• When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could … but he pulled through.”
• My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
• When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
• One year they wanted to make me poster boy … for birth control.
• My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
• Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
• A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home!
• A hooker once told me she had a headache.
• I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
• When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
• I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said, “No, I hate myself now.”
• My psychiatrist told me I’m going crazy. I told him, “If you don’t mind, I’d like a second opinion.” He said, “All right. You’re ugly too!”
• And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn’t born a boy, I’d have nothing to play with!
• I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek – she bent over!
• I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I’d get.

Another one of my absolute favorites was George Denis Patrick Carlin. George Carlin died in 2008. He was a world-class social critic who made fun of everything including taboo subjects like religion, politics, and the English language. Who can forget his The Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television. Some of George’s most memorable lines are:

• Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
• What year did Jesus think it was?
• I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
• Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids instead of assteroids?
• I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
• Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
• Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
• One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• In America anyone can become President. That’s the problem.
• If God dropped acid, would he see people?
• Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place, man? There’s such balance in nature.

Phyllis Ada Driver, better known as Phyllis Diller died in 2012. Phyllis was best known for her eccentric stage persona, her self-deprecating humor, her wild hair and clothes, and her cackling laugh. She was the first female comic to make it big. Here’s why:

• “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
• “Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.”
• “I’m at an age where my back goes out more than I do.”
• “On my honeymoon I put on a peek-a-boo blouse. My husband peeked and booed.”
• “Our vet told us that because of my cooking our cat has only two lives left.”
• “We spend the first 12 months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 years teaching them to sit down and shut up.”
• “We had far too many kids. At one point our playpen was standing room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets.”
• “I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads … I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!’”
• “Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.”
• Talking of her joke husband, “Fang,” (“I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang.  How about short and cheap?”) she noted, “He hates work. One day he called in dead.”
• Her obese mother: “We still have a souvenir from her last visit. A Persian throw rug. She sat on the cat.”
• Her oversexed sister: “She’s been in more motel rooms than the Gideon Bible.”

Robin McLaurin Williams died in 2014. Robin was a film actor and a stand-up comedian known for his improvisation skills and a host of memorable character voices. He has been called the funniest person of all time. See if you agree.

• You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.
• We were talking briefly about cocaine … yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!
• If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
• Do you think God gets stoned? I think … look at the platypus.
• Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
• Politicians are a lot like diapers. They should be changed frequently, and for the same reason.
• Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and “tics” meaning “bloodsucking creatures”
• Inside of you, there’s a fashion model just waiting to throw up.
• If you’re basically having Frosted Flakes, and you’re older than ten years old and it’s after ten o’clock in the morning … I’m gonna guess: weed may be involved.
• Ta da! You are an alcoholic! And some people say “Robin, I’m a ‘functioning’ alcoholic!” Which is it, you can only be one. It’s like being a paraplegic lap dancer. You can do it, just not as well as the others, really.
• You’ll notice that Bush never speaks when Cheney is drinking water.
• Some things you may want to stay away from while drinking heavily. EBay, not a good idea. EBay and alcoholism, perfect storm of addiction. You’ll find yourself up to your ass in George Foreman grills and ShamWows.
• Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.
• When you look at Prince Charles, don’t you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
• After I quit drinking, I realized I am the same asshole I always was; I just have fewer dents in my car.
• Jack Nicholson was with me at a benefit and leaned over and said “even oysters have enemies.” In a very intense voice. I responded with “Increase your dosage.”

Now these people were funny, really funny. Where is the next generation?