Too Much Tequila, Too Little Sunscreen

Assignment: Write a flash novel in 100 words or less

She licked and gnawed with a ravenous passion but also with a gentleness seldom found today. She softly nibbled, more with her lips than with her teeth. I’ve never known anyone with such skills; she is truly an accomplished master. Wow!

When she sensed the end was near she sped up to a frantic pace. She was chomping and licking in a heated frenzy when the end came. She raised her head and smiled.

“And the winner of our barbecue ribs eating contest is the young lady right here with the big grin and the barbecue sauce on her cheek.”

Assignment: Write a flash novel in 100 words or less

He sauntered into the bar like he owned it spotting a sexy blond whose ass spilled over her bar stool perfectly. It took three swigs from his beer before she spoke. He seduced her with his wit and charm.

He woke with the blond asleep in the crook of his arm. Where was he, where was Laura? He had forgotten Laura and their date last night. Would she forgive him? He had to get out of here.

Laura was sound asleep when he shook her. She woke with a smile on her pretty face and said, “Hi daddy.”

A guy walks into a bar … These are my favorite jokes. I started collecting them to tell to my preteen grandchildren during our summer vacations at the Jersey shore. I know they’re old but Xenya, Timmy and I enjoy them anyway.

So this tuna fish sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender says, “We don’t serve food here.”

A guy walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables. The bartender says, “You can come in, but don’t start anything!”

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Gimme a beer, and a mop.”

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re quite a celebrity around here. We’ve even got a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink named Steve?”

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper-towel on his head. The bartender inquires “What’s that?” The pirate says, “Arrgh, there’s a Bounty on me head.”

A default Times New Roman font walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your type here!”

A New York Cheesecake walks into a bar and says, “Hey, You want a piece of me?”

Have you heard about the dyslexic that walked into a bra?

Three vampires walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them suspiciously, but decides to serve them anyway. “What’ll it be, boys?” The first vampire says, “Blood, give me blood.” The second vampire says, “I too wish for blood!” The third vampire says, “Give me plasma.” The Bartender smiles and says, “Got it. Two bloods and a blood-light.”

A soccer ball rolls into a bar. The bartender kicked him out.

A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says “We don’t serve your kind here.” and the mushroom says, “Why not? I’m a fungi.”

A giraffe walks into a bar and says, “The highballs are on me!”

A guy walks into a bar. When he realized all the other patrons were horses, he froze. Then he stepped out carefully and quietly. He never intended to be in a hay bar.

Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Would you like a beer?” Descartes replies, “I think not,” then disappeared.

The Seven Dwarfs walk into a bar and the bartender says, “We don’t serve minors here.”

This horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Why the long face?”

So, Thomas Edison walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Okay, I’ll serve you a beer, just don’t get any ideas.”

A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bartender here?”

An amnesiac girl comes into a bar and she asks, “Do I come here often?”

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer for me, and one for the road.”

A penguin walks into a bar asks the bartender, “Have you seen my brother?” The bartender asks, “I don’t know, what’s he look like?”

This guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head. The bartender says, “Hey, what’s that?” To which the frog replies, “I don’t know. It started as a wart on my ass.”

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, “For you, no charge!”

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. All of a sudden, he hears, “Hey, love the shoes!” The guy looks around, and decides he’s hearing things. Then he hears, “I really like your shirt.” The guy’s looks up, and listens for awhile but doesn’t hear anything. He goes back to his drink, but is interrupted by a voice saying, “Wow, those are very nice cuff links.” The guy is freaked out by now and calls the bartender over. The guy says, “What’s going on, I’ve been hearing this voice!” The bartender replies, “Oh, it’s the peanuts. They’re complementary!”

A five-dollar bill walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Get outta here! We don’t serve your type. This is a singles bar.”

A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. “What can I get you?” asked the bartender. “Anything but a Canadian Club,” replied the seal.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down for a couple of beers. A few minutes later, a lanky, bow-legged cowboy walked in and said, “Who owns the big white horse outside?” “I do,” the Lone Ranger replied. “Why?” The cowboy drawled, “You better take care of him. He’s almost dead from the heat.” The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and found Silver leaning against the hitching post, panting. They got him some water and soon Silver was looking better, but he was still panting. The Lone Ranger said, “Tonto, run around Silver as fast as you can and see if the breeze makes him feel any better.” Tonto replied, “Sure, Kemosabe,” and began running around and around Silver. The Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his beer. A few minutes later, another cowboy came into the bar and drawled, “Who owns that big white horse outside?” “I do,” the Lone Ranger said, “What’s wrong with him this time?” “Nothin’,” the cowboy said, “But you left your Injun runnin’.”

A corn stalk walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Wanna hear a good joke?” The corn stalk says, “I’m all ears!”

A potato walks into a bar and all eyes were on him.

A man stomps into a bar, obviously angry. He growls at the bartender, “Gimme a beer,” takes a slug, and shouts out, “All lawyers are assholes!” A guy at the other end of the bar retorts, “You take that back!” The angry man snarls, “Why? Are you a lawyer?” The guy replies, “No, I’m an asshole!”

So this three-legged dog hops into a bar and says, “I’m looking for the man that shot my paw.”

A pony walks into a bar and coughs, “Hey, COUGH. Gimme a bu COUGH a beer COUGH. The bartender serves him and says, “What’s with your voice?” The pony says, “Nothing, I’m just a little hoarse.”

The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A guy walks into a bar and says, “Hi, it’s me.” Everyone turned to look, but it wasn’t him.

A pirate walks into a bar, wearing a steering wheel on his crotch. The bartender asks, “What’s that on there for?” The pirate replies, “ARRRR, I don’t know, but it be driving me nuts!”

The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve time travelers here.” The time traveler walks into a bar.

And finally, this bear walks into a bar and says, “Gimme ………. a ……… beer ………. and ……….. some ……….. peanuts. To which the bartender replies, “What’s up with the big pause?”

We were once the token Yanks at a party of English speaking people from around the world. The conversation naturally turned to our lack of a common language. Frustrated by my inability to teach those folks how to speak properly I prepared this little English to American dictionary.

The English say:       They really mean:

advert                                 commercial

arse                                      ass

barman                               bartender

barrister                             attorney

biscuit                                 cookie

bloody                                 (doesn’t translate)

blow job                              blow drying your hair

blow me                              I’m surprised

boffin                                   nerd

bollocks                              balls, testicles

bonnet                                the hood of a car

boot                                     the trunk of a car

bugger                                (doesn’t translate)

chat up                                pick someone up

cheers                                 good bye

chips                                   French fried potatoes

crisps                                  potato chips

drawing pin                      thumbtack

dust bin                             trash can

dustman                            garbage collector

fagged                                 tired

faggots                               meatballs

fags                                     cigarettes

flannel                               washcloth

flog                                     sell

gum                                    glue

hooter                               nose

jolly                                   very

keep your pecker up  keep your chin up

knickers                          panties

knock you up               call on you

loo                                     toilet

lorry                                 truck

mate                                 friend

motorway                      freeway or turnpike

pants                               underwear

petrol                               gasoline

pinch                               steal

pinny                               apron

pissed                              intoxicated

queue                               line

quid                                 a pound note

randy                              horny

rubber                            eraser

scrubber                        a loose woman

serviette                        napkin

sprog                              baby

underground               subway

up the duff                    pregnant

vest                                undershirt

waistcoat                     vest

Wellies                          galoshes

windscreen                 windshield

zed                                 the letter z

©2009 by Bob Rockwell

A report Card

Barack Obama said all of the right things during his almost two year campaign. I agreed with him 100% and thought it would be fun to keep score on how he and I agreed for the first 100 days of his presidency. Remember, this is my report card and I grade subjectively on a curve.

D      Choosing Joe Biden as his running mate

F       Asking the Rev. Rick Warren to give the inauguration invocation

A+    Ordering plans to withdraw combat forces from Iraq

A       Deciding to close the Guantanamo Bay prison camp

B-     Tightening the limits on the interrogation tactics of the CIA

C-     Making an exception to his anti-lobbying rules for William J. Lynn III

B+     Reversing Bush’s policy on not funding embryonic stem cell research

B       Reversing Bush’s policy on not funding groups providing abortions

C+     Ordering the EPA to reconsider CA’s application to limit auto emissions

B       Delivering his first radio address to the Muslim world

B+    Getting his economic stimulus bill to congress in his second week

C+    Going to the capitol to build bilateral support for his stimulus plan

B+     Presenting the US’s new attitude at the Munich Security Conference

?       Nominating Tom Daschle to head Health and Human Services

A      Signing a bill extending healthcare coverage to 4M uninsured children

?       Delaying the switch to digital TV

A      Driving his stimulus package through congress in less than a month

?       Approves adding 17,000 new troops to war in Afghanistan

A      Unveiling his $75 billion Homeowner Affordability and Stability Plan

B       Authoring and selling his economic stimulus plan

B+     Convening a fiscal summit with 130 advisers and adversaries

A      Addressing the joint session of congress

B       Authoring a budget funding energy research, healthcare, and education

B+     Setting a time table for troop withdrawal from Iraq

B       Reversing Bush’s order to waive Endangered Species Act procedures

B       Launching the “Making Home Affordable” initiative to help 9M borrowers

A       Hosting his summit on healthcare reform

C+     Having Secretary Clinton begin to patch things up with Russia

B       Reversing Bush’s limits on financing for embryonic stem cell research

D       Issuing a “signing statement” with the $410B federal spending bill

C+     Expressing outrage over AIGs executive bonuses

A      Appearing as a guest on the Jay Leno show

B       Sending troops to the US/Mexican border to help contain the drug wars

C-      Buying the toxic assets of troubled banks to stimulate lending

A       Hosting an on-line, Internet town hall meeting

C+     Barring lobbying for specific projects within the stimulus plan

B       Launching a new effort to defeat terrorists in Pakistan & Afghanistan

A        Participating in global climate change talks after an 8 year absence

B        Ousting GM CEO and rejecting GM’s and Chrysler’s turnaround plans

B+      Signing the largest wilderness protection bill in a quarter-century

B        Conducting “town-hall’ style meetings in France and Turkey

B        Hosting a Passover Seder at the Whitehouse

A       Approving the operation to rescue US sea captain from Somali pirates

B+     Promising to halt the rise of piracy in the waters off of Somalia

B       Easing restrictions on money transfers and travel to Cuba

C+     Deciding not to prosecute Bush era CIA interrogators

C       Signing a bill to triple the size of the AmeriCorps service program

D       Reversing his decision to investigate CIA interrogation techniques

To be continued

© 2009 by Bob Rockwell

This weblog is my first attempt to publish my growing collection of short stories. I hadn’t considered a weblog until now because I thought the whole idea of self publishing to be one big ego trip for those with questionable talent. Anyway, I spend a couple of hours a day writing and rewriting short stories and what I hope are humorous pieces in hopes that some day I’ll actually produce something of interest to someone … anyone.

I write only to consume space on my hard drive much like the whittler that carves only to produce wood chips. My payback will come when the product of my tequila soaked brain actually produces a smirk, a chuckle, a grin, or, an out-and-out giggle.

Bob

Introduction

I spent five memorable years in the U.S. Marine Corps. Why five years, you ask. Because the Marines build men, some take longer than others. Here are a couple of stories from my days in the Corps. Semper Fi.

The First Hour

We pass though the gate at Marine Corps Recruit Depot in the back of an open-bed truck and come to a stop at a Spanish style, stucco building with a red-tiled roof surrounded by green grass and palm trees. It’s February, this is going to be like summer camp.

A tough looking Marine in a Smokey the Bear hat comes out of the building to greet us and in a normal voice says, “Off the truck, men.” We nervously hop off the truck onto the asphalt. Smokey the Bear says in a sterner voice, “Too fucking slow, back in the truck”. I’d never heard an adult use the f word before, especially to a bunch of strangers.

“Alright girls, let’s try it again.”

We all jump quickly to the ground only to be ordered back into the truck again. What’s up with this “girls” thing? This goes on and on. Each time Smokey gets madder, louder and more profane. Maybe this wasn’t going to be like camp.

Finally we exit the truck to Smokey’s satisfaction. He orders us to get in formation. Unsure of what a formation is, we line up in a couple of straggly lines and wait for Smokey’s next outburst. It doesn’t take long. He comes charging at us like a linebacker, grabbing one recruit by the neck while screaming obscenities. He drags this poor kid out in front of us by his shirt collar and shouts, “This candy-assed, civilian cocksucker has the nerve to chew gum in my beloved Marine Corps.” I remember teachers scolding students and making them throw their gum away and but I’ve never seen someone beaten to the ground and called dirty names for chewing gum. Maybe this isn’t going to be like school either.

Finally, Smokey orders us into the building. Our running efforts don’t satisfy him, so we do this over and over until we we’re all fighting and clawing to get through the door. This violence seems to please Smokey.

We race through the door only to find a whole bunch of these obscenity-yelling Smokey the Bears inside. These guys are all terribly unhappy about something and there’s no question they aren’t real thrilled with us being here.

One Jew

We woke by ourselves. The sun was up. What’s going on? This was the first morning in boot camp that our DIs had not sounded reveille at o’dark thirty in one outrageous form or another. My favorite is when they throw the metal trash can down the center isle making a loud crashing sound as it hits every bunk in the hut. Everyone lay in the bunks wide awake tensely waiting, waiting for our next boot camp adventure to begin. Finally reveille is sounded and we have ten minutes to dress, go to the head, make our bunks, and fall out in platoon formation.

We fall out without our rifles or our buckets, something is definitely up. Our DI yells, “This morning you shitbirds are going to the JC club. All of you Protestants form a detail over here,” pointing to his left. “All of you Catholics fall in over here to my right.” We raced to our respective group.

Pvt. Mitchell was left standing alone in our old platoon formation. “Didn’t you hear me maggot?” our DI yells as he rushes to get face-to-face with Mitchell.

Mitchell shouts, “Sir, I’m Jewish, sir.”

“You’re what?”

“A Jew, sir.”

“I’ll be damned, a Jew in my Marine Corps. Sergeant Jenkins, get out here and see what we have here.”

Our senior DI, Sergeant Jenkins, comes out of the duty hut glaring at Mitchell. “What’s this?”

“A Jew in our beloved Corps.”

“You sure he isn’t faking it, just to get out of going to the JC club?”

“I don’t know; Mitchell doesn’t sound Jewish?”

“We could look at his sorry little pecker.”

“That won’t work everybody’s doin that today. Get him out a here.”

“Mitchell, run your sorry ass down to the base chapel and find the van that’ll take you over to the Naval Training Center for Jew services. Report to me as soon as you get back. You’re on my shit-list, for leaving my base to go pray with the fucking swabbies.”

PFC Paxton

Paxton was a big oafish, country boy that hadn’t been to a dentist before joining the Corps. He must have been all of nineteen when he reported in to Alpha Battery in Twenty Nine Palms grinning with his bright, new Government Issue dentures. He was assigned a lower bunk across the squad-bay from me.

One evening a bunch of us were hanging out at our squad-bay table doing our normal Marine stuff, cleaning rifles, polishing shoes and brass, and writing letters while Paxton sawed toothless logs in his bunk about six feet away. We should have been used to his snoring by now, but he was especially loud tonight. So loud that you couldn’t even talk or hear the music on Morgan’s radio.

Without a word, we all rose and filed over to both sides of Paxton’s bunk. Eight of us, in pall-bearer-like fashion, gently lifted him, his mattress, and his bedding, and carried him to a sand dune about a half mile out in the desert. We laid him in the sand, tucked him in, and giggled all the way back to our barracks.

Would the coyotes chew off his ears? Would scorpions crawl into bed with him? Would a sidewinder resent him being there? We all hoped.

Before reveille the next morning we woke to Paxton dragging his mattress through the squad-bay swearing and looking for someone to take a swing at. He was really pissed but no one paid any attention to his ranting … just another night in the Corps.

I’ll Never Do That Again

My M1 kicked as I put another round into the bull from 500 yards. Today is our last practice day on the range. Tomorrow we qualify. Qualifying on the rifle range is a big, big deal in the Marine Corps. It’s paramount that you qualify on the range each year you’re in the Corps. The humiliation of being a non-qual Marine would be unbearable.

I’m in the prone position with six rounds left before I call it quits. I’m not concentrating and I buck my next shot. Bucking is when you anticipate the shot and throw your shoulder into the butt of the rifle to counter the recoil. A buck is easy to spot; it always goes down and to the left. My missed shot caused the dirt to fly just as my DI walked up behind me and the butt crew waved the dreaded “Maggie’s drawers” indicating a miss.

“Did you just buck that shot Rockwell?”

I mumbled, “Yes sir,”

He immediately kicked me in the ass and without saying a word he stepped forward with the toe of his shoe on my testicles and said, “You aren’t going to do that again, are you Rockwell?”

“Sir, no sir.” The tears were forming in my eyes as I tried to focus my sights on the target. Damn, he was standing on my balls, my eyes were full of tears and I have to hit a 20 inch bull from 500 yards. No telling what he’s going to do if I miss this shot. Stomp? Ouch.

I squeezed off a round and it seemed like an eternity before the butts detail lowered my target to mark my score. We both waited; him with his shoe firmly on my balls and me with tears running down my cheeks. The target came back up. I couldn’t see the hole marker through my bleary eyes. Finally they raised the large white disk to the bull area, indicating a bull’s eye.

My DI lifted his foot and walked away without a word, my balls reassumed their spherical shape, and I whispered a little prayer, “Thanks God, I owe you one.”

©2009 by Bob Rockwell

Movies are the ultimate escapism. When you sit down to a movie you become an integral part of the story; you’re up close and personal with a time in history, long-gone important people or some other smuck like yourself playing their part in one of life’s many stories. I’m a fan of older movies and will watch almost anything shot before the late 1950s. That’s when movie producers thought that Doris Day and Rock Hudson could fill in for aging Hepburn and Tracy. I have three Humphrey Bogart (pre Day/Hudson) films and two Jack Nicholson (post Day/Hudson) films on this list, what does that tell you?

Everyone has their favorite films, but these are mine:

15. Pulp Fiction –1994- This movie is everything I like about Quentin Tarantino films, comic-books coming to life on the screen. He has comic-book (BAM…POW) style violence, bigger-than-life characters and enough humor to carry an otherwise ho-hum plot. His two lovable hit-men, the bumbling Vincent Vega (John Travolta) and the scripture quoting Jules Winnfield (Samuel L. Jackson) fumble through one violent scene after another. I still fantasize about doing a burger, a joint and the twist with Uma Thurmond even though I don’t have Travolta’s hand-over-the-eyes move down yet.

Jules: The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

14. Chinatown – 1974 – Roman Polanski beautifully recreates 1930s Los Angeles through the life of a quintessential, old-school, private-eye, JJ ‘Jake Gittes (Jack Nicholson) as he looks into the activities of a wayward husband and ends up up to his ass in deceit, murder, incest and municipal corruption. I love two things about his movie: pre-war LA, LA when we all wished we lived there and Nicholson playing a Sam Spade like detective

Jake Gittes: So there’s this guy Walsh, do you understand? He’s tired of screwin’ his wife… So his friend says to him, “Hey, why don’t you do it like the Chinese do?” So he says, “How do the Chinese do it?” And the guy says, “Well, the Chinese, first they screw a little bit, then they stop, then they go and read a little Confucius, come back, screw a little bit more, then they stop again, go and they screw a little bit… then they go back and they screw a little bit more and then they go out and they contemplate the moon or something like that. Makes it more exciting.” So now, the guy goes home and he starts screwin’ his own wife, see. So he screws her for a little bit and then he stops, and he goes out of the room and reads Life Magazine. Then he goes back in, he starts screwin’ again. He says, “Excuse me for a minute, honey.” He goes out and he smokes a cigarette. Now his wife is gettin’ sore as hell. He comes back in the room, he starts screwin’ again. He gets up to start to leave again to go look at the moon. She looks at him and says, “Hey, whats the matter with ya. You’re screwin’ just like a Chinaman!”

13. American Graffiti – 1973 – George Lucas remembers one night in the lives of the high school graduation class of 1962; the last night before they all head off in their separate ways. He artfully portrays the hopes, dreams and, lunacy of my generation (class of ’60) better than it’s ever been shown on the big screen. I love this movie because I lived it. Wolfman Jack, where are you, I really miss you.

John Milner: I don’t like that surfin’ shit. Rock and roll’s been going down hill ever since Buddy Holly died.

12. To Kill a Mockingbird – 1962 – We see this movie through the eyes of “Scout” a feisty six-year-old tomboy played by 10 year-old Mary Badham and earning her an Oscar nomination and a permanent place in our hearts. Atticus Finch (Gregory Peck), an idealistic, small-town lawyer defends a young black man accused of the rape of an ignorant white woman in rural, depression-era Alabama. This movie beautifully portrays the inequity and racism of 1930s America.

Atticus Finch: If you just learn a single trick, Scout, you’ll get along a lot better with all kinds of folks. You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view… Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.

11. Rebel Without a Cause –1955- Jim Stark’s (James Dean) family has just moved to a Los Angles suburb and Jim is starting his first day at his new high school. He meets Plato (Sal Mineo) a gay wimp on a motor scooter and Judy (Natalie Wood), a really hot young woman. Not bad for the first day. But, he spends the rest of the film being challenged and hassled by the school’s tough guys, his parents and finally the police. He just wants to show everyone that he’s cool and fit in with this new crowd. James Dean as Jim Stark made such an impression on me that I wore a red wind-breaker, white tee shirt and jeans while I cruised in my custom ’49 Merc just like he did in the movie. James Dean died later in 1955 leaving us this movie as his last work.

Jim Stark: I woke up this morning, you know… and the sun was shining, and it was nice, and all that type of stuff. And the first thing, I saw you, and, uh, I said, “Boy, this is gonna be one terrific day, so you better live it up, because tomorrow you’ll be nothing. You see? And I almost was.

10. Body Heat – 1981 – Ned Racine (William Hurt) is a seedy small town lawyer somewhere in sweltering Florida. During a searing heat wave, heat that you can almost feel, he’s picked up by a sexy married woman, Matty Walker (Kathleen Turner). During their ensuing affair they plot to murder Matty’s rich husband. Matty has control of the affair and the murder while she plays Ned like a fine instrument.

Matty: [to Ned] You aren’t too smart, are you? I like that in a man.
Ned: What else do you like? Lazy? Ugly? Horny? I got ’em all.
Matty: You don’t look lazy.

9. Paper Moon – 1973 – Moses Pray (Ryan O’Neal) and Addie Loggins (Ryan’s daughter Tatum) are a most unlikely couple, he a Midwestern, depression-era con man and she a recently orphaned 10 year old. The movie hints that Moses may be her father but we never really know for sure. These two wander through Peter Bogdanovich’s recreated 1930’s rural Midwest pulling one scam after another in realistic black and white photography. Two more colorful characters emerge after Moses rescues them from a traveling carnival, an exotic dancer, Miss Trixie Delight, and her minion, Imogene.

Moses Pray: And stop standing around here checking on me! You don’t have to worry. I ain’t about to leave some poor little child stranded in the middle of nowhere. I’ve got scruples too, ya know. You know what that is… scruples?

8. The Thin Man – 1934 – Nick & Nora Charles, (William Powell & Myrna Loy) along with their dog Asta, (Asta) solve murder cases for the fun of it wedged in among their many social engagements. They live a lavish, penthouse lifestyle and are always drunk, on their way to becoming drunk or mixing drinks for the other, often unsavory, cast members. Throughout the film we meet all of the murder suspects and we think we know who did it. But only Nick can figure it out. He gets everyone together and leads them through his logic finally accusing the murderer, who conveniently confesses.

Nick Charles: The important thing is the rhythm. Always have rhythm in your shaking. Now a Manhattan you shake to fox-trot time, a Bronx to two-step time, a dry martini you always shake to waltz time.

7. Casablanca – 1942 – Set in Morocco during World War II Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart), an exiled American and former freedom fighter runs Rick’s Café, the hottest nightspot in Casablanca. Rick’s one-time love, Ilsa (Ingrid Bergman), shows up one day with her new husband, a famous Czech underground leader. Ilsa quickly rekindles her relationship with Rick hoping to win his help securing valuable letters of transit so they can flee Vichy France. We don’t know whether Ilsa intends to leave Casablanca with Rick or her husband until Rick decides for her. The Germans are hot after her husband, Ilsa will do anything for the papers, Rick doesn’t want to get involved, Sam keeps on playing, the Chief of Police just wants another champagne cocktail, and so it goes.

Ilsa: Play it once, Sam. For old times’ sake

6. Raiders of the Lost Ark – 1981 – Finally, George Lucas had the genius to bring us a modern-day version of the nail-biting, weekly serials we grew up with in the late 40s and early 50s. The opening scene with Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford) miraculously escaping the giant boulder is straight from the serials of the post-war era. Indiana Jones, an archeology professor and expert in the occult, sets off in search of a biblical artifact called The Ark of the Covenant, which can hold the key to humanly existence. He encounters his archenemy, a band of Nazis, his ex-flame, and a whole lot of poisonous snakes in one hair raising adventure after another. Just like in the serials of old.

Indiana: Yes, the actual 10 Commandments the original stone tablets that Moses came down out of Mount Horeb and smashed if you believe in that sort of thing. Didn’t you guys ever go to Sunday School? Look, the Hebrews took the broken pieces and put them into the Ark. When they settled in Cainan they put the Ark in a place called The Temple of Solomon where it stayed for many years. ‘Till all of the sudden, whoosh, it was gone.

5. The African Queen – 1951 – After the Germans burn down her brother’s mission snooty Rose Sayer (Katharine Hepburn) leaves 1914 German East Africa the only available way, on the Charlie Allnut’s (Humphrey Bogart) run-down, river steamboat. Charlie’s trying journey is made even more difficult by, impenetrable swamps, his failing steam engine, raging rapids, leeches, the Germans but most of all, his passenger, Miss Sayer. After many rows and endless arguments these unlikely traveling companions, the bible-thumping abolitionist and the libertine, drunken loser, sort of fall in love as their journey drags on.

Charlie Allnut: A man takes a drop too much once in a while, it’s only human nature.
Rose Sayer: Nature, Mr. Allnut, is what we are put in this world to rise above.

4. Star Wars – 1977 – In a galaxy far, far away George Lucas pushed the envelope of special-effects technology to bring us the first awe inspiring science fiction movie since the Flash Gordon serials we saw at the Saturday matinee. In this fight of good versus evil Lucas introduces us to characters that enrapture us for decades to come, folks like Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Chewbacca, Darth Vader, Princess Leia, Obi-Wan Kenobi, C-3PO, and everyone’s favorite droid, R2-D2. The Force be with you.

Princess Leia: [in a holo message] General Kenobi: Years ago, you served my father in the Clone Wars; now he begs you to help him in his struggle against the Empire. I regret that I am unable to present my father’s request to you in person; but my ship has fallen under attack and I’m afraid my mission to bring you to Alderaan has failed. I’ve placed information vital to the survival of the rebellion into the memory systems of this R2 unit. My father will know how to retrieve it. You must see this droid safely delivered to him on Alderaan. This is our most desperate hour. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi; you’re my only hope

3. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest -1975 – McMurphy (Jack Nicholson) has a scheme to get out of jail by convincing them that he’s crazy enough to need psychiatric care. McMurphy is then confined in a mental ward with a mean nurse and a bunch of loveable crazies. He just might be less crazy than his hospital mates but there is no question he’s their ring leader. His hilarious antics, including unauthorized “field trips”, have a positive effect on the other crazies and drive their mean nurse bonkers. Who does crazy better than Nicholson?

McMurphy: What do you think you are, for Chrissake, crazy or somethin’? Well you’re not! You’re not! You’re no crazier than the average asshole out walkin’ around on the streets and that’s it.

2. The Last Picture Show – 1971 – This movie could have been shot in the little town I grew up in, in fact I think it was. No, it was shot somewhere in Texas but the time was right, the late 1940s. I identify with every aspect of this film from Hank Williams singing in the background, the wind, the dust, the run-down pool hall, and especially the teenage boys contemplating manhood. I still fantasize about skinny-dipping with Jacy (Cybill Shepard) after seeing her nude on the diving board.

Jacy Farrow: (to Duane, as they’re leaving motel room after having sex) Oh, quit prissing. I don’t think you done it right, anyway.

1. The Maltese Falcon – 1941 – Humphrey Bogart is Sam Spade of Spade and Archer, a San Francisco detective agency. A sexy babe (Mary Astor) hires the detectives and starts a ball rolling that leaves Archer dead, introduces us to two wonderful characters, Joel Cairo (Peter Lorre), who uses gardenia-scented calling cards and the rotund Kasper Gutman (Sydney Greenstreet) and an unattractive statuette of a bird, the Maltese Falcon.

Spade: When a man’s partner is killed, he’s supposed to do something about it. It doesn’t make any difference what you thought of him. He was your partner and you’re supposed to do something about it. And it happens we’re in the detective business. Well, when one of your organization gets killed, it’s-it’s bad business to let the killer get away with it, bad all around, bad for every detective everywhere.

©2009 by Bob Rockwell

Is Cuba such a bad place?

©2009 by Bob Rockwell

We’ve
all
heard
about
the
excitement
of
living
on
the
edge.

This
is
my
first
stab
at
it
and
I’m
getting
goose
bumps
as I
type.

Wow,
are
we
living
on
the
edge
or
what?

Now
that
I’m
here
I
don’t
know
what
else
to
say,
it
must
be
that
my
heart
is
pounding
so
fast
that
my
brain
isn’t
functioning
properly.

This
edge
living
is
really
heavy-duty.

I
can’t
take
it
anymore.
I’m
beginning
to
lose
my
feeble
grip
on
reality,
I’m
fading,
fading …
about
to
go.
Where
do
you
go?
Over
the
edge?

It’s
the
edge
or
me.
I’m
stronger
than
this
puny
little
edge.
I
can
do
it.
I
can
do
it.
Errrrrr,
grunt.

There I got it; I told you I could do it. This living on the edge stuff isn’t so tough.

©2009 by Bob Rockwell