Too Much Tequila, Too Little Sunscreen

President Obama’s unyielding commitment to change our government, reprioritize our spending, and to clean up the economic mess Bush left behind is inspiring. So inspiring that I’ve fantasized about what I would do if I were ever in charge. Here’s my plan for a better America. You know, deep down in you heart, that I’m right. If I were in charge I’d …

1.0 Institute New Social Behavior Laws – forget manners and etiquette, they don’t work. We need laws.

1.1 Spitting will be illegal in all public places and especially enforced on baseball diamonds. Finally, we can get on with America’s game without all of the unsightly chomping and spitting. Matter may be eliminated from your mouth or throat, just like any other excretion, in a rest room.

1.2 Toothpicks will no longer be available at restaurants. Toothpicks should only be used in places where you would use other dental hygiene products. Picking will be just like brushing and flossing. Makes sense?

1.3 Nose blowing and all other nasal activities including nose picking, digging, and scraping will be illegal in public. If you desire to remove something from one of your nasal cavities you must do it privately.

1.4 Nails, both finger and toe, are not to be clipped, filed, painted, or in other way groomed in public.

2.0 Establish some Appearance Laws – taste doesn’t work either, maybe jail time will.

2.1 Anyone desiring to wear sandals must pass a foot and toe inspection. Pedicures and other treatment may be required before you’ll be allowed to expose your ugly damn feet to the rest of us.

2.2 Tank tops, halter tops and low rise jeans can not be sold to or worn by anyone whose waist size exceeds that of their chests. No one really wants to see your protruding belly.

2.3 Goofy comb-overs will be expressly forbidden. If you’re bald, you’re bald, live with it. Quit parting your hair at you’re your ears and get on with your life.

2.4 Women will be forbidden from wearing any blouse, shirt or top that exposes their bra straps. Bras are under garments and will be treated as such.

3.0 Finally Institute Two Sure-Fire Cures for Obesity – It’s too easy being fat in the U.S. I’ll fix that.

3.1 From this point forward we will discard all of our fat hiding and figure obscuring clothing and wear leotards. Leotards will become the national uniform of the U.S. We’ll finally show the world how big our asses and bellies really are. This is the incentive we’ve been waiting for to finally loose weight.

3.2 If leotards don’t work I’ve got a new tax scheme. We’ll do away with income and sales taxes and institute a fat tax. Your ideal weight will be calculated by the government based upon your height, bone structure, ethnicity, and so forth. Every April 15th we will have our annual weigh in. Your tax for the past year will be based on how many pounds overweight you are. We’ll build in a couple of loopholes for offensive tackles, sumo wrestlers and such. This will work.

4.0 Come up with a fair tax, the Resource Consumption Tax – Everybody knows that the very poor and the very rich don’t pay income taxes. It’s all paid by us, the middle class. This isn’t right; I’ve got a better idea.

4.1 Our tax on gasoline may be the only fair tax we have. The more you drive the more you pay. Let’s take that idea and extend it to all of the other resources we consume. What if we had a tax on the amount of electricity, natural gas, heating oil, and water you consume? We’d also put tax on all of the oxygen you consume as soon as we come up with a way to measure it. Those jocks and porn stars that do all of that heavy breathing will have to finally pay their fair share. Also, we’ll tax the amount of garbage you produce. Now the people that use the most of our country’s resources will pay the lion’s share of the taxes. Ingenious?

5.0 Fund the things we really need – Take any of my ideas and make a fortune; you can pay me later

5.1 Homeless Carts – Have you noticed homeless people pushing all of their worldly possessions around in grocery carts? These carts are difficult enough to push down supermarkets isles let alone over rough sidewalks and streets. What we need is for someone to invent a “homeless cart” for these folks. It will have bigger wheels, better bearings, a lockable compartment, and running lights. Good idea?

5.2 Really Have To Go Lane – Ever had to really pee at a ballpark or some other big event? You dash to the john only to find sixty other people in line ahead of you waiting for the five stalls. What we need is a “Really have to go” lane for people that can’t wait, just like the express lane in the supermarket.

5.3 Sad And Lonely Hotline – Have you ever sat at home consumed by loneliness? There must be a host of others that feel the same way. What we need is “a sad and lonely hotline.” You call it when you’re down in the dumps and they connect you with some other poor soul. Together the two of you can try to lift each other’s spirits. Won’t work? It’s better than the nothing we have now.

5.4 John Inspections – The state, or is it the county, inspectors routinely inspect all of our restaurants and report their findings. This is really great if you’re interested in dining at a Chinese restaurant with un-refrigerated meat and mouse droppings on the floor. What I want is an equivalent kind of organization that will inspect and rate public restrooms. Don’t you think the Texaco station down the road will class up its act if they get cited for their filthy johns?

5.5 Do Not Mail List – The national “do not call list” seems to work. Our daily calls from those assholes wanting to sell us an extended warranty on our cars has dropped way off. Now, what we really need is a “do not mail list” so we can get rid of all that junk that fills our mailboxes and nobody ever reads. Who wants this action item?

5.6 Church Profile – How many churches do you have in your town? Lots I’ll bet. Have you figured out what they’re all about? Nope, no one can. What I want is a directory of beliefs and practices that would clearly spell out what each of theses churches are all about. I don’t want to judge; I just want to know. Then we can map our personal feelings and beliefs into the appropriate congregation. Why didn’t you think of this?

6.0 Get rid of irritating or unnecessary things– why we haven’t done so already is beyond me.

6.1 Waiting Rooms – Waiting rooms are an admission by a business or a professional that they are too greedy and disorganized to care about you as a customer. Being forced to wait beyond your appointment time will be cause for disciplinary action and possible closure. Let’s boycott all businesses that make us wait and read old uninteresting magazines while they try to find the time to take our money.

6.2 Call Centers in India – Do not, I mean do not, purchase any products or services from firms that have call centers in India. It will soon be illegal to spend hours trying to accomplish anything with an English-as-a-second-language kid in India. If these companies can’t get by with minimum-wage call centers here in the U.S. then they should get out of business.

6.3 Self Service Gas Stations – What’s up with self service gas stations? The reason filling stations did away with their attendants is because of greed and our willingness to put up with it. It will soon be illegal, as it is in New Jersey, to pump your own gas. Thank God!

6.4 Motion Inhibiting Clothes – Why you women put up with clothes that you can’t function in is beyond me. Motion limiting shoes and clothing will be illegal in the Rockwell administration. Every pair of shoes and each article of clothing to be sold can not inhibit a model in every size offered from running an obstacle course. There, we’ll finally get rid of those shoes you can’t walk in and the dress that won’t let you climb a flight of stairs.

6.5 Smoking – Why we continue to let people smoke is beyond me. Maybe it’s because we can’t figure out how to live without the cigarette tax. That’s like having a suicide tax. We’ll make smoking illegal. It’s OK, no one with a three digit IQ smokes anymore. Those die-hards that just have to smoke can move to Canada. So, there!

                  ©2009 by Bob Rockwell